projects

projects, a set on Flickr.

This might be the easiest way to show my most recent projects without uploading a zillion pictures onto blogger!

Scattered But Good

I have always envisioned being some sort of widely read blogger with perfect little doses of funny banter about all manner of things in my life. When anything of note happens, it always runs through my brain in one or two ways before it is fully processed: A Facebook Length Blurb, and a full on blog entry written inside my head, start to finish. The problem is, I never sit down and actually start typing. Or if I do, I end up getting distracted first by Facebook, email, other blogs I wish I could imitate, etc. And if I happen to get as far as logging into my blogger account, I suddenly get brain freeze, stare at the screen for a few seconds, and then give up and move on to more mindless tasks.

But today is going to be different - well, it already is. See? I've typed a full paragraph. Now whether I add any valuable content remains to be seen, but you have to start somewhere, right? Yikes! This stuff sounds much cheesier when it gets out of my head and onto my screen. Oh well.

Here's a summary of what's been up in my life, and if I still have some attentions span, energy, and or interest left, I may or may not elaborate. Or I may just go to bed. Or pretend to go to bed and end up playing an hour of Angry Birds or Toy Balls. I digress.

1) Went to an awesome Women's conference last night at today at my "new" church. Loved it. Learned a lot, but not so much from the speakers as what I felt God was speaking to me throughout. I kindof think he just needed to pull me away from my own craziness and life for a few hours to give me time to hear him and sort out the things he wanted me to hear. Very good. Hopefully I will continue to pray about these things and actively pursue them!
2) Sewing: So many projects! I've had a little bit of a problem motivating myself to tackle any projects, much less the longer ones, but I've discovered the beauty of bandana dresses and shorts which require little or no cutting, and often less than a half hour of sewing! Talk about instant gratification! I got myself to tackle one half of a more difficult project tonight, and then got bored, but its a start! Maybe I'll finish tomorrow. Currently I have two dresses to finish, two to start, and about 20 bandanas cut out and ready to go. Most of them are going to the Dominican Republic to an orphanage there. After that I plan on making as many as I can for some of the kids in the area that my cousin is living in Honduras... and after that I have some super cute pixie fabric that is begging to become a quilt, and then I have to finish a purse for a birthday present and convince myself not to keep it, because it is super cute. Then I have to add the batting, binding, and quilting to the quilt top I made out of old flannel burp cloths my kids have used. And then... Oh I won't even keep going. My head is spinning but there are so many more things on my to do list!
3) I'm tired so I'm going to go to bed now. Maybe I'll finish later, maybe I won't.

Wherever you are...

 I didn't know I loved you back then, but now I realize I did. I had never felt that way before and so I tried to keep you at arms length. I tried to stay away, but for some reason I kept showing up at your door, knowing the world wouldn't feel right until I could see your face again and feel your kindness and warmth. I know I am where I am meant to be today, and I love my life, but I regret that my fear made me keep pushing you away. I do believe I hurt you, and I am sorry.

The last time I saw you is etched forever in my mind. You had moved on, and the sparkle you used to have in your eyes for me had been extinguished. I had taken you for granted for too long, and your feelings for me had withered away. How I searched those eyes for something - anything- that resembled the way you used to look at me. I didn't expect it, but my heart broke apart when I realized it would never return. I had lost you for good. I know you probably thought I was just using you, and that kills me. I can't see any other way that you could have interpreted my actions, but it was not so. I sat in my car that night, in the rain, in the dark, in the parking lot of your apartment complex, and I cried like a baby.

I can't explain it, but to this day, although I have married the man I love and was destined for, and we are happy, I still cry when I think of you. When I realize that I may never find you again. I know there can never be a relationship between us again, and that is not what I'm looking for, but I can't stop myself from trying to find you, to make sure you are ok. The woman you were with was horrible for you- horrible to you, and although this is probably incredibly selfish of me, I fear that I pushed you back to her. I pray that either you got away from her or that she changed and came to realize how amazing and kind and wonderful you are. Your eyes and your touch were always so gentle, and your arms always a safe and stable place. I loved you, and now I know that somewhere inside I always will. Wherever you are today, I wish you well, and I hope that someday our paths may cross again, so that I can tell you that you deserved so much better than me anyway, and so I can see that you found happiness either with or away from that woman.

No Shame

12 years ago I joined the ranks of those who are often called "survivors." I accept and also hate that term, however it is better than "victim." I am not a victim. I have kept my story quiet for many reasons, one being that I don't want to feel the need to validate myself and my claims. Two being that I was abused as a child, and felt that no one would ever believe that one person would be so "unlucky." I knew I wouldn't be believed. But did you know, those who are victimized as children are much more likely to be victimized again and even again? Bet that's something you didn't know! Neither did I! But that knowledge can and should be out there! I felt so relieved when i found out it wasn't just me! I want other people to know that they are not alone.

So why talk about it now? Simple! I truly feel that God has laid it on my heart to work towards assisting other victims in ridding themselves of the shame that encumbers those of us who have experienced rape, sexual assault, and abuse.  I don't know how it will play out long term, but I envision opening and running a facility similar to RAAP in Denver.

Also, I suddenly felt that one of the best ways to shrug off shame is to open your mouth and be honest!  These events no longer rule my life and thoughts. They no longer haunt my every day and night. They have certainly been a part of shaping me, but they do not define me.  I am a happily married, perfectly functional wife and mother! I do not need support, looks of pity, or to air my hurts, heck, I no longer even care if my story is believed or not!  I am not a mess that needs to be cleaned up, but I no longer care to hide the stains!  

Thank you for hanging in there while I jumped up on my soapbox- I will now step down.  This is me, it's who I am, and I am not ashamed! -and neither should you be, for I know that I am not alone...

Not Really On The Edge of My Thirties Anymore...

I totally rock at denial in all forms. This last year I have been 30. Something I rarely even allowed myself to utter. In my mind though, I made myself feel better (I know, I know, its not that bad) by thinking that, at least I am just barely in my 30s. I could almost go either way, really, right? Like if I just grow younger this year I'll be back to my 20s in no time. Like, I'm only 30 because I just whipped out 3 kids and had three major surgeries, but as soon as I remove the physical evidence of said adventures I'll be right back to that twenty-something "girl". Haha! Well, it was fun while it lasted! Now I am officially 31. Well, in an hour anyway. It will be interesting to see what new form my denial takes on now!

Life is good. I am in for a good birthday. Its not even my birthday yet, and its already a good birthday. First off, I have known all week that the day of my birthday is going to be fantabulous. 2 hours at the gym, one of which will be spent doing yoga... the other will probably be spent feeding Sara and chit-chatting with my yoga/mommy/gym/wine-drinking buddy. Sans kids. Which means conversations will actually get completed. Sentences will be uninterrupted. It will be GREAT! Then I'll take the kids home in time for nap... I hope to take a little snooze myself. And then, no sooner than they wake up, I'll be dropping them off at the previously mentioned friend's house so that I can go get an aromatherapy massage. Then, saving the best for last, two of my friends and I will be doing "Painting with a Twist." Basically you show up with wine and snacks, you talk, you drink wine, and these artists make you think you painted a masterpiece. I am convinced they bank on you drinking enough wine that you won't notice when they sneak in behind you and correct all your painting mistakes, and at some point, pretty much just take over. But all accounts so far report that you do indeed come home with a wall-worthy painting!

Then, Saturday night hubby and I will have a date night! I have such wonderful friends who are not only watching my gaggle of children for me on two different days, but who also set aside their time specifically to come play with me on my birthday! And a wonderful husband who will let me drag him wherever I decide, and who I know I will have fun with no matter where we end up.

Aaaand, we're not done. There are more reasons still why this birthday is totally rocking. I got some birthday money. And I bought fabric with it. I know that sounds soooo very boring, and so not the twenty-something chick I was hoping to sound like, but this is good fabric. Fantastic fabric actually. Fabric I would have NEVER bought for myself because it is literally $17 a yard! I have no idea how I will ever convince myself to actually cut into this beautiful fabric, but I will! See, here's the fabric:



The designer is Heather Ross, one of the designers whose fabrics I constantly gawk at, fill shopping carts with online, and then sadly delete because it is just too expensive to use "regular money" on... but birthday money is a whole different thing! Here is a few of the other prints in her collection.

In case you were wondering, my other favorite favorite favorite designers are:

Amy Butler

Valori Wells

Jennifer Paganelli

Anna Maria Horner and

Tula Pink

Oh, and I'm trying to design my own fabric to be printed by Spoonflower.com inspired by a childrens book who's pictures instantly begged me to make them into fabric... we'll see how that goes, my Illustrator skills are a little rusty, but I think I finished the first one already!!

The Ups and Downs

So, apparently the body they gave me is defective. It seems it requires a certain amount of this lame thing called "rest." What is that all about. So I guess the deal is that, A) I'm not eating well enough yet, and B)I'm not giving my body enough time to recover between workouts. Add that to a life in which a full nights sleep is little more than a fairytale, mornings that start at the a$$-crack of dawn early, and rarely a break to slow down, and what you get is me walking out early from a step/strength class exhausted and frustrated. Only to break down in tears in the car. Requiring my three year old and then my mom to console me. Yes, it was that bad.

Last week I weighed myself on my Wii and found that after no results for a month and a half, 10 lbs had suddenly, magically, disappeared. Sound fishy? It was. After glowing and gloating for a day and a half, I weighed myself again to find that all but 2 lbs of that had been a fluke. Yep. I lost 2 lbs. In my tired exhausted state, after getting up about 4 times each night with the kids, I was knocked down about as low as I could go.

I had a little chat with Gabriel. He told me not to cry and that he would make me laugh if I wanted him to. Then I had a chat with my mom and she reminded me that moderation is not my strong suit, and that maybe, just maybe, hitting the gym for the most intense class offered every day without any recovery days in between is not the best way to go. At least until I have kids that sleep. When you put it like that...

So decisions haven't been made, but tonight, wine was poured, a good dinner was had, and I spent $130 buying healthy snacks and meals at Sprouts. (Again with the lack of moderation!). Tonight I plan to sew the two purses I've been working on, maybe take a bath, maybe stay up late. Tomorrow I will not excercise, and I will not consider it a step backwards. I will call it rest. And I will develop a plan that spans M-Sat and involves a day off and only two or three days of cardio. And Sundays I will rest. And I will feel good about it. The rest remains to be seen.

The Weight Thing

I just read a friend's blog post about her weight struggles, and what her size means as far as how she defines herself. After reading it, I guess I kind of feel ready to do some exploration on here of my own. Before I say anything else, I will say that I blog for my own purposes more than anything else, and have decided not to focus on who might or might read this. That said, I apologize if I give too much information. If you don't like it then skip it.

The whole concept of weight loss has been a touchy one for me for my entire life. I grew up strong and athletic, and also very self conscious. There is not a day in my life that I haven't felt fat, however, looking back, I now know that I was pretty thin/normal for my height for the most part. I'd give anything to look like that again! Long story short, I struggled with bulimia for about 8 years, and ultimately bulimerexia for about two and a half of those years. My weight and weight loss were my obsession, my only thoughts, my only care. They ruled my life. Ultimately, in a miracle I can't even describe, God healed me. I won't go into those details, but I will say I have not thrown up intentionally in years, and I no longer even struggle with the temptation not to eat. All this is just background knowledge.

Here I am, years later. Literally 90 lbs heavier than my lowest weight. I was in reasonably good shape until I got pregnant with Gabriel. I was then, basically pregnant or recovering from pregnancy/C-sections for the next three years straight. Now, for the first time, with all that behind me, I am faced with my body as it is now. Suddenly my body is not just the product of a "condition." This is me. I have had, and still have, such trouble adapting to this new version of myself. For the first time, when I go to the gym, I'm the fat girl in the back struggling to keep up. I have never known that perspective before. It is so not easy. I literally cannot find clothes that fit both my height and my width. It is bizarre and depressing.

I am determined to lose weight. To not be this person anymore. But I have count the costs as I go along the way. I daily jump from (possibly obsessive) determination, hitting the gym every single day, to despair at how far I have to go. Wondering how I can possibly make it happen with three kids pulling me in every other direction. Plus, taking my kids to the gym means they get sick more often... which means I can't go to the gym. We've already spoken to their pediatritian and determined that they can either build up their immunity now, or when they start school, and decided that we are ok with doing it now, but I certainly can't take them with me when they have fevers or are germy etc.

Nothing in life is ever simple. I am just going to have be flexible and persistant; not letting bumps in the road throw me off track. I think the lessons I need to keep in my head for now are that first of all, I cannot let my weight define me as I do. I cannot think about what others see when they look at me, and I must look at that mirror and not criticize my body for its size, but instead, evaluate my direction and commitment to doing what is right for my body. Day by day. I will not just suddenly wake up skinny one morning. It is going to take a lot of work, and it will be very gradual. I can do it, and I will do it without crossing back into that dangerous territory where weight trumps all. After all, I have so much more to live for, love, and think of first now. My family is so much more important to me than my image of myself. They are certainly too precious to risk losing.

Anyway, heavy post I guess, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Phew. Just felt I needed to get that off my chest! Speaking of sick kids, Sara has had a fever today, so we stayed home, and will have to stay home tomorrow... and I got called out of class early yesterday because she was so fussy. But I did take an evening walk with Gabriel today, and we'll see about tomorrow. Sick kids mean no sleep, so right now, taking care of myself may mean getting as much sleep as I can. I plan to be back at the gym on Friday, and to continue on Monday with full momentum.