Saturday, December 19, 2015


You are a straight line,
A to Z.
I fly out of fear
in circles,
and you accuse me
of being free...

Friday, December 18, 2015

The Dark

There is a darkness deep in me
Raging down where none can see
I feed it to keep it silently
hidden in my skin

But greedy darkness won't be kept
licks my wounds and wants more yet
Gnawing at me till I let
it grow and stretch and breed.

Thursday, December 17, 2015


The weight of decisions
Not yet made
Has trampled the dams
Behind which I have stayed
The tears are all falling
No stopping them now
The hearts that will break
At our mercy somehow
My beautiful creatures
Precious and sweet
Don't deserve this loss
Shouldn't carry such grief
I'll pay for our sins with
My own blood and tears
But I'm frozen in terror
As I've been all these years
I don't know any longer
Which way leads me thru
I don't see any beacon
No way to aim true
The tears are all falling
No stopping them now
The hearts that will break
At our mercy somehow

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

My Angels

This has been hard.  I have been trying to seek God out, to be authentic, and give my life fully to him. Not just half way, standing outside the church looking in like a lost little girl. I decided to throw myself in there and surround myself with people who I want to emulate. This has required more openess than I am accustomed to around believers.  I have been cautious with my sharing, but being in a place where I know I really do need a support system around me, I have sought out places that are safe enough to be authentic and carefully studied the lines between honesty and over-sharing... these are lines I have never mastered very well. But I am trying. 

The result of throwing myself at the feet of my Savior has been twofold. Well, probably a lot more fold than that, but the two most prominent aspects have been a painful and steady stream of trials and tests, and a comforting and constant stream of love, support, and answered prayers to more than combat any trials I face.  No, I have not walked a perfect line, but my eyes have stayed steady on the prize, and I plan to keep them there. Sometimes I slip and fall, but I get back up. And more often, when temptation wields its way into my mind I shout it down until it stops.  I have no idea how more holy people do it, but for me, a steady chant of "Please God" and "Take away these thoughts" seems to suffice for me. Its a work in progress. 

Someday I will blog about the depths I fell to before turning my face back up to His light, but today is not that day.  Today I celebrate the wonderful women I have encountered in my Community Bible Study core group.  Only God could have orchestrated such a perfect blend of women. I pray that I can be as much a blessing to them as they have been to me.  As it becomes clear that life as I know it is in some ways crumbling - though hopefully only to make room for a more Godly life - these women have surrounded me with love, prayers, and support, while also respecting my need for a little space and discernment.  There are three particular women who have been instrumental in drawing me back in week after week, even when I have allowed myself to cry and embarrass myself, swearing never to come back again. But a well timed email or phone call always calms me and my leader even goes as far as telling me I had better not bail out on them. 

Angel #1 - my group leader. Absolutely put in my life by God himself.  I walked into CBS that week with blue hair and tattoos and shame, and some of her first words to me were "Oh I LOVE freaky people." But the way she said it was genuine and I believed her. 

Angel #2 - A sweet empath.  I don't really know if the idea of an empath coexists with a faith in God, but I don't see why not.  She is not only drawn to me with a crazy warmth and understanding that has barely even needed words to bloom into a friendship, but she just seems to feel and know what emotions are festering in me each week.  She is also precious to me because she is searching too.  She says she has been where I am now, and I believe it.  Her confidence in herself is so fragile that I want to protect it with all my might.  She speaks out for me when I don't even know I need her to, but she does it because she feels so strongly, and then she retreats back into a shell of berating herself for this or that.  I hope that she can build herself up in confidence and if there is anyway I can help her with that I will. Mostly, she just gives the most warm and comforting hugs and pats on the knee.  I just adore her.

Angel #3 - Is also quiet and meek.  But intuitive as all get out.  She writes beautiful poetry and pegged me as an artist before hardly knowing a thing about me.  There are many times when I look up from the table thinking my emotions are well under control, only to find her eyes boring into me with love and compassion and all I can think is "what does she know?" "How does she know?" "What does she see?" and "oh Lord God, thank you." 

I have never had a single extended conversation with one of these ladies, but I feel like there is a bond there already that I hope will not fade anytime soon.  Angel #3 wrote me a poem today, and I want to share it, but I feel like it is too private and sweet.  I need to find a safe and special place to keep it for always.

Today I was going to spend time writing about my dog dragging bread up the stairs after stealing it from the counter, or my 9 year old cutting slits in his sleeves up to his elbows in addition to snipping the waistband of his pants. Or the cookie that went missing that I had JUST bought for a class party that is tomorrow morning, but all this seemed so tiny compared to the things God has done for me and brought to me in the midst of some scary storms and paths.  I have been down this road so many times before, but never with my eyes on Jesus.  I could focus on the "if only's", but instead I will be know that he reached me when I was ready, and is pouring blessings and love into me from so many directions right now.  I am so grateful.  I am so loved.  I have other angels outside of CBS too, but those are for another day. 

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

The Ache

The ache that wakes
Each time you turn
And walk away from me

The empty spot
You rouse and raid
With all your silent words

The loneliness
You leave inside
When I am not enough…

I was not made for this world,
It's jagged edges and crooked ways.
I am not made for this world
And so I stumble as if through haze.

My heart was born all broken
Filled with holes
I've packed with lies.

My mind was formed all riddled
And there is no answer;
No solution for my cries.

I was not made for this world.
I'm bruised and broken broken, soft and weak.
I cannot stay in this world
It is much too broken. Far too bleak.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015


No Poetry
My veins
laid bare
Once bright
words floated
with flair
now fight
so tangled
'neath blame
and care.

Thursday, October 22, 2015


I celebrate the simple,
Giddy like a child - 'Look at me!'
Forgive a girl this pleasure,
Its been a long road you see.

Judge if you will,
I have released those chains;
I've given in to my needs
and I've let go of the reins.

Feel free to raise a glass
And smile, even cheer!
Those who've known my darkened days
Find joyous, too, these brighter years.

Monday, October 5, 2015

15 Pages

I was ready to go to practice today. Ankle be damned. ~Working Memory 16th Percentile~ I need roller derby, and if I really thought it was going to damage it further I would have stayed off of it. ~Processing Speed 18th percentile~ I was ready to go to to practice today all the way through dinner.  It was after dinner that I opened the manila envelope with 15 pages of test results. ~ Social Cognition Severe Range~ Very little of it was surprising. But that didn't make it easier. ~Social Awareness Severe Range~  Inertia carried me all the way to practice, and then I found I just couldn't. ~ Repetitive Behaviors Severe Range~ My brain is too full of scores and percentages; labels and descriptions of all of the ways my child is not normal. ~Inhibition Dysfunction Highly Elevated~ I am a cryer. There is no way around that. And today I would have cried at practice. ~Emotional Control Dysfunction Highly Elevated~ And so I went home to read and re-read.  To decide if I have any right to carve out these nights of practice when there are so many holes to be filled.  ~Metacognition Dysfunction Highly Elevated~ Money to come up with. ~Global Executive Dysfunction Highly Elevated~ Treatment plans to begin and follow through with. Appointments to make weekly. Surprise calls from the principal to field while grocery shopping.  I was going to go to practice today, but I just couldn't.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Things I Know About Myself

I have spent the last few years apparently forgetting anything and everything positive about myself.  In the last few weeks I have tried to begin rediscovering my strengths, and I am learning that it is ok to own my strengths. Not to hold them over anyone, but to know that I have them, and that they are an important part of who I am. I feel a little bit like the guy on SNL saying "and gosh darn it, people like me." Silly or not, here are a few of the things I choose to acknowledge about myself and be proud of - in case I need a reminder some day... like next week:

- I can be persistent and highly motivated
- It is important to me to be kind
- I have a strong sense of empathy
- I can be quick-witted when I stop worrying what people think so much.
- I am a peace-maker
- I am trustworthy

That's what I have for now. I hope to find a bigger list for myself soon. Babysteps. :)

Friday, September 25, 2015

Derby Confidence

I know, I know, I know... I'm all about the derbs lately.  But there is a reason!! You guys (girls) really!! You need to watch, join, volunteer, get in and around Roller Derby because there is absolutely nothing like it.  Every day I read more and more stories about women who found Roller Derby, and through it they found confidence, an outlet, their voice, peace, not to mention a group of women who accept each other just as they are.  We joke that Roller Derby is cheaper than therapy, but I'm fairly sure most of us aren't actually joking.  Because it isn't cheap. But also, it really is as good or better than therapy.

I think it's pretty funny that I have felt such a transformation before I have even passed my minimum skills test.  And that's the thing, it's not about achieving greatness. It is all about finding the strength within yourself to take risks, endure pain, get back up, and keep working.  Its about women encouraging women. Its even about men encouraging women.  Our league is surrounded by husbands, friends etc who are men. And you know how I know they are strong men?  Because they truly dig seeing women succeeding and being strong, athletic, bad-ass beasts.

I think that many times we feel emotional pain, and because it is different that physical pain, we begin to question our ability to tolerate it.  It seems most often that these difficult times come at a time in our life when we have had a little too much space from the physical feats of our youth.  We begin to forget the strength inside of ourselves. We begin to feel overwhelmed as the obstacles we face pile up, and without confidence in our inner toughness, we start to believe that the best we can do is to ride it out.

And then something spectacular happens.  We get a glimpse of a sport that sparks something deep within ourselves. Maybe we don't even know why. And for whatever reason we decide to take the leap. Maybe desperation for something in our life to call our own. Maybe boredom, angst. Maybe just that every other diet/exercise plan has failed us because it is based on work, not fueled with enjoyment. For me it was time to find something to call my own. A risk to take because I missed the thrill of doing things that scare the bejeezus out of me.

The first day you put your skates on is hard. Your lower back and thighs burn like never before. You want to give up, but when you look around, expecting to see a bunch of people who assume you are going to fail, instead there are a group of smiling women cheering you on. Telling you that they remember when they were in the exact same place.  Telling you that you can do it!  And no matter how hard that first practice is, you find that when you start unlacing your skates- as quickly as you can so that you can find feeling in your feet again- your heart feels light. You feel exhilaration through the exhaustion.

The next few practices you learn that you can fall and still get up.  This feeling seeps into the rest of your life.  You know that when you meet an obstacle, you can over come it, and that even if it knocks you down, you are strong enough to get back up.

Ahh the derbs.  I have already learned so much about myself.  I can't wait to see how it continues to change my life from the inside out.  And maybe some day I'll even pass my skills test and be able to really compete.  But for now, I'm happy busting my butt, competing with my own self, and learning how strong I can be!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Just Breathe

I had hoped to write a witty and light-hearted blog full of humor and self-depricating wit, but for right now this will just have to do...

As I drive home from this morning's appointment, the children chatter lightly in the background. The heaviness of things learned has not weighed on them as it has on me.  I am grateful for that.  It's important that they feel that everything is going to be OK even if I don't feel quite so sure.  Each breath I take catches in my throat as I feel responsibility and overwhelming obstacles start to creep up around me like water in a closed space. It is important to keep control. Relax the muscles in my face. Blink tears away quickly before they have the chance to overtake my countenance.  There may be a time for tears, but it is not here. Not now.  

I marvel at the other autism parents I know.  They seem so accustomed to doggedly pursuing what is best for their child.  Advocating is a part of their nature.  Already part of who they are. They don't seem tired. I don't see them crying their eyes out in frustration, grief, and exhaustion.  Maybe they got it out of their system at the beginning like I am. Maybe they just hide it well, but I find it hard to imagine a day when all of these appointments, obstacles, setbacks and fears don't cloud my brain and my eyes.  Where the mountains I feel I am going to need to climb just to help my beautiful baby boy attain the life he deserves don't seem so damn tall.

All I want is for my kid to sparkle. To shine and be happy. For his creativity and passion for science and color to come back.  Right now it has all been swallowed up by stress and pressure. By feeling different and not yet knowing that different is OK. By the fear of what certain kids are going to do to him at recess, and the seeming inability to tell us about what happens until much much later when he has had time to process. All I want is for my boy to know that he is OK. 

So I blink the tears back and try to answer my children's random and silly "what if" questions as if the "what if's" in my mind weren't so crushing.  It will be OK. It really will.  And maybe someday I'll have this "new normal" down a little better. Maybe I'll be able to encourage someone along the way. Someone who is right where I am today.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

What It's Like

I know what it’s like to lose your mind.

I’ve done it nearly a thousand times,

Been lucky enough to get it back again

Just. In. Time.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Back Again

Funny how you say it matters,

But you can't tell me to whom.

I see how you try with your words,

But I'm too far gone.

 Funny how you say I'm enough

And can't answer for what.

Funny that you say I'm not alone

But where are you now?

 I hear you say there's hope,

But I still see only darkness.

I've ridden the highs, felt so low,

It comes and it goes

But it always comes back again.

 If I matter then please tell me why?

If I'm enough then for what?

If there's hope then why do I see myself

Always coming back around,

Back down to here.

Its too much pain,

more than I can bear.

I don't want to sign up

for another go round

I want off this crazy

merry go round.

You say it gets better

I hear you, it does,

But it never goes away

and I know it never will.

And it always comes back again.

Better without the drama

Better without the tears

Better without the yelling

And all the irrational fears

This world is better

Without the wounds

My Selfishness brings

Better without the pain

Of my kids with broken wings

Better without the heaviness

I just can't escape.

It always comes back again.

 Funny how you say it matters,

But you can't tell me to whom.

I see how you try with your words,

But I'm too far gone.

Funny how you say I'm enough

And can't answer for what.

Funny that you say I'm not alone

 But where are you now?

I hear you saying there's hope,

But I still see only darkness.

I've ridden the highs, felt so low,

It comes and it goes

 But it always comes back again.

The rain has stopped and peace has come

I look and find no rush to run

And so I stay inside this place

And rest my heart from its crazy pace

The highs so high, and lows so low

The waves so fast I never know

The days bring change I cannot see

But God gives me oars each time I need

To save me from the rolls and tides

To help me see why I'm alive

The highs so high, and lows so low

The waves so fast I never know

I do not love this journey wild

But I have three loves, each one my child

For them I'll bunker down and stay

And see how next my life will play

My heart is tired, body weak

But still I need to touch their cheeks

There's reason still to walk through pain

And pray for green to follow rain

To My Babies

  As I sit here with my nose in the computer, just after getting my nose out of my phone, I know that I am not being what you need right now.  I look around at the mess on the floor and I know I am not being who he needs right now either. And it breaks my heart.  But here's the thing. I'm trying to get back to you. To him.  I'm trying to escape the confines of this strange bubble I have found myself encased in.  A bubble that keeps me prisoner to myself. Watching. Waiting.

I didn't want you to learn about the broken world through my broken self, but here we are.  And I am sorry.  I ache for you, and want to run away to save you from me all at the same time, but I know that will only cause more wounds and brokenness. 

Today you saw ugliness I never wished for you to see. I don't really know who is to blame. All I knew to do was to tell you it would be ok. And it's not your fault. And it's ok to be scared.
Lost for Words
Time to sleep
All my demons
Will have to keep.