tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46630906014954096112024-02-08T10:15:40.908-07:00Flutterby ThreadsTales of Motherhood, Madness, and FaithFlutterbythreadshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15467685061114025554noreply@blogger.comBlogger113125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-43632837145842046872019-03-21T14:39:00.004-06:002019-03-21T14:39:58.975-06:00Dear LizI have decided I need to have enough respect for myself to let the thought of becoming "friends" with you go. You may be sweet as hell to my face, but you still fucked my ex on a bed I still had to sleep in, even after knowing how much it upset me. Left your thong on my bookshelf, fucked in my bathtub as I had the pleasure of hearing all about from Dan. You may be nice to my face, but you didn't care enough to not continue hurting me. And I understand now that I don't need or want you to like me. I deserve to be treated better than that. Better than Dan treated me for 14 years, and I want no part of anything different. Dan may have you fooled now, but he is not a nice man. It will sneak up on you little by little as he snuffs out your light. Good luck with that.Flutterbythreadshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15467685061114025554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-91652930705044418402018-06-03T21:24:00.000-06:002019-07-12T11:30:48.258-06:00These handsThe knowledge that more than likely, I will die by these hands someday...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-70503718670356895212018-05-18T01:18:00.000-06:002018-05-18T01:18:02.412-06:00WallYou are a brick wall.<br />
I throw arrows out of desperation,<br />
In love and hate.<br />
But they bounce off and<br />
Stab me instead.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-25520320587114221732018-05-13T14:44:00.001-06:002018-05-13T14:44:59.716-06:00Holes<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Empty holes</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">All here inside</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Tears are bound</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">To burst me wide.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Why can’t I find</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">My way with friends</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And trust their love</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Won’t quickly end?</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">So much fear</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And shame in me</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I feel like all</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Around can see.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I hide in shadow</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">From all who care</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I don’t know how</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">To meet them there.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Empty holes</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">All here inside</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">The pain and fear</span></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Will burst me wide.</span></div>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-83538508645804207812018-05-10T21:16:00.003-06:002018-05-10T21:16:40.540-06:00Beneath the stars<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Star light,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Star bright, </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">how I wish</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">For peace tonight.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">My heart is broken</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Things seem dark</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">But in the sky</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I see God’s Mark.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I wish I may</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I wish I might</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Find the strength</span></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">To stay tonight.</span></div>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-18133134524313771172018-04-19T09:09:00.004-06:002018-04-19T09:09:57.050-06:00BetterWhen I ask myself why I don’t try harder to get better, I think I realize I don’t deserve to get better. I am still just waiting to die. I am really struggling today. Not to stay alive but to not hurt myself and to not just stay in bed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-33742982671709012632018-04-13T07:56:00.000-06:002018-04-13T07:56:00.086-06:00The MoonThe Moon told me that he would shine<br />
If I would lift my eyes.<br />
They rose up liquid, pulled<br />
as if they were the tide.<br />
<br />
He held my gaze until the morn<br />
when the lemon Sun stepped in.<br />
Still I felt the lingering soft<br />
of his silver on my skin.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-83736069800166952832018-03-26T15:05:00.000-06:002018-03-26T15:05:19.635-06:00Choices<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">None can help </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">This mind of mine</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">The pieces are</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Too shattered</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And sharp.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">None can take</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">In all of me</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">The weight </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I carry is</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Just too much.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And so I choose</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Life or death?</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Solitude and </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Fortitude </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And strength</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I haven’t got,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Or death and </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Destruction</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Of family</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And faith</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And soon </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">To be forgot.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></div>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-25574155718051129662018-02-08T18:50:00.000-07:002018-02-08T18:50:37.826-07:00Bones
<style type="text/css">
p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #454545}
p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #454545; min-height: 14.0px}
</style>
<br />
<div class="p1">
The stillness of my bones</div>
<div class="p1">
does not betray</div>
<div class="p1">
the chaos in my mind</div>
<div class="p1">
that will not go away</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I am frozen here alone</div>
<div class="p1">
while battles rage inside</div>
<div class="p1">
voices call me out</div>
<div class="p1">
in waves like highest tides</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
None have time for this</div>
<div class="p1">
All busy on their own</div>
<div class="p1">
And so I sit and listen</div>
<div class="p1">
to the voices that I own.</div>
<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-36378389662576892522018-02-06T17:23:00.003-07:002018-02-06T17:23:30.083-07:00PuzzlesWe are puzzles pieced together<br />
Through colorful histories<br />
And varied weather.<br />
So many mysteries entwine<br />
to differentiate yours<br />
and mine<br />
and yet<br />
I hide the patterns<br />
of my pieces for fear<br />
that my mosaic will be<br />
all too clear<br />
and you will think you know<br />
me<br />
Just by what you see.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-17498151598150788922018-02-06T17:20:00.000-07:002018-02-06T17:20:05.486-07:00Like SylTears glisten<br />
On her face <br />
now still;<br />
The struggle over now.<br />
She stayed so long<br />
Already<br />
But the time has come<br />
For peace<br />
For quiet<br />
For the churning voices<br />
To have their way.<br />
For silence to overtake<br />
the chaos that lived<br />
Inside her eyes<br />
Now still.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-28649803069883987562018-02-06T17:18:00.002-07:002018-02-06T17:18:59.012-07:00Rise above?The bracelet on my wrist says Rise Above<br />
But why? And how?<br />
The tattoo on my arm says<br />
My story isn't over.<br />
But when can it be? I'm so tired<br />
You see.<br />
<br />
600 friends of Facebook<br />
And no one to come to.<br />
600 profiles waiting<br />
But not to hear from me<br />
Who can I talk to? <br />
I'm so alone I can't breathe.<br />
<br />
Voices in my head chime in<br />
You are broken, not for keeps<br />
They jab and poke and hate me<br />
And never do they sleep.<br />
Why won't they leave me?<br />
Why can't I be free<br />
<br />
I just want to sleep forever<br />
To say all my goodbyes you see<br />
I don't want you to hate me<br />
But I am just too weak<br />
I can't even kill myself<br />
So here sit and cry and plead.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-76489742877847409892018-02-06T17:17:00.002-07:002018-02-06T17:17:35.612-07:00BlackIn the blackness<br />
I lose myself<br />
In the dark I am afraid<br />
Of what I will do.<br />
Night calls me <br />
To my razors edge<br />
To say goodbye<br />
To end my pain<br />
And each morning <br />
I sigh relief<br />
Still here, <br />
I can breathe again<br />
For a few hours<br />
Til in the blackness<br />
I lose myself <br />
Again<br />
Till the dark calls<br />
To see my blood<br />
To say good night.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-51615214427894001852018-02-06T17:16:00.002-07:002018-02-06T17:16:33.530-07:00HopeHope is a vapor<br />
Floating through the air<br />
A sudden swell and taper<br />
Leaves me grasping here and thereAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-89556476518810900002018-02-06T17:15:00.002-07:002018-02-06T17:15:24.495-07:00BloodMy blood is my only friend<br />
I can tell the truth with blades<br />
On skin<br />
The slice and drip and sting<br />
Brings calm.<br />
My hurts now have a name.<br />
They are outside of my head<br />
Fleshy and real and red.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-17864745537567721522016-11-07T09:45:00.001-07:002019-12-19T13:27:28.045-07:00How CloseHow close we mingle<br />
Love and hate;<br />
Need and rape.<br />
I think mostly you<br />
Are good to me<br />
But I cannot trust<br />
My mind and how<br />
Closely it mingles<br />
Love and hate<br />
And need and rape.<br />
<br />
History has made sex<br />
A dark depraved thing<br />
Echoed by drunken nights<br />
And men who didn't care<br />
When I cried.<br />
I think you'd care,<br />
But I don't cry<br />
For such things anymore;<br />
For love or hate<br />
Or need or rape.<br />
<br />
<3 p=""><br /></3>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-90369560002353574022016-11-04T21:08:00.001-06:002018-02-06T17:17:58.301-07:00AddictionsAddictions suburban edition: Wine for him, razorblades for her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-62488656537009809172016-09-09T08:11:00.001-06:002016-09-09T08:11:47.550-06:00One Year AgoOne year ago I felt lost and hopeless. I despaired. Six months ago I decided I could not go on living anymore, convinced I was destroying my family. I am better today, but I have not yet found the words for all that went on between then and now. For the six days I spent in the hospital. For the days weeks and months of therapy since then. Each time I sit down to write I feel a void, and a blank. Maybe all that transpired is just not meant to be put into words. Maybe I just start fresh with where I am now, in the arms of the God of comfort, working my way back to who I am in Him. Maybe eventually that time will have a voice. I don't know. While I am tempted to delete my blog posts that reveal my struggles, I realize that good or bad, it is part of my story. And so it stays. And I move forward.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-84408903042828960882016-06-08T11:11:00.002-06:002016-09-09T08:13:36.210-06:00American Dream<div style="border: 0px; font-family: gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.571428em; margin-bottom: 0.714285em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: #e69138; line-height: 1.571428em;">I see you living your Facebook Clean</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px; font-family: gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.571428em; margin-bottom: 0.714285em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: #e69138; line-height: 1.571428em;">American Dream</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px; font-family: gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.571428em; margin-bottom: 0.714285em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: #e69138; line-height: 1.571428em;">So patriotic, happy and free</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px; font-family: gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.571428em; margin-bottom: 0.714285em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: #e69138; line-height: 1.571428em;">But I’m living in a prison</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px; font-family: gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.571428em; margin-bottom: 0.714285em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: #e69138; line-height: 1.571428em;">in my own head</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px; font-family: gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.571428em; margin-bottom: 0.714285em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: #e69138; line-height: 1.571428em;">making sense of what you did to me.</span></div>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-60790992251100328822016-02-06T22:18:00.000-07:002016-02-06T22:18:27.679-07:00BrokenLast night we talked for a long time. I learned that my depression is the cause of all of this. I was hurting him without even knowing. This hit me so hard. I am broken. I don't want to live a life of hurting people. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-1642823584761891572016-02-01T09:37:00.001-07:002016-03-28T08:51:38.177-06:00TouchWe have touched each other more since declaring divorce than in our entire marriage, it seems. We are still in this house together, and as such we are each other's only comfort some times. I feel like I got so much of my grieving out of the way in the weeks before and the first few weeks after we had the talk that he is having to catch up a bit. We are still here, together, breaking each other's hearts every day and then trying to touch away the pain at night. He wants to know why we didn't do more when we were trying to keep our relationship together. My answer is that I'm not a big fan of being trapped in someone's arms, and he never came to bed anyway.<br />
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The first night was the most intense. I was startled and caught off guard. He wrapped his arms around me and and stroked my hair and my arms with such intensity I wondered if maybe he had decided that the only answer to all this was to snap my neck. It felt that foreign to me. I didn't really think he would, but it felt like a possibility. But soon the tears flowed from my eyes too, as I know these touches were numbered. I knew I had to memorize the smell of his neck, the texture of his thumbs, and the patterns of his breathing. He wept as he traced the scars on my wrists; the evidence of so much desperation. Someday all this would feel so distant. Would I remember what it was like? Confusion set in, as I knew I felt so much love for this man. I questioned everything we were going through. How could it be right if this felt so good. But through my tears I reminded myself that these moments we were having were not representative of real life. That they came too late. That if he had shown me this need for me sooner we wouldn't be here right now, and that I had begged and pleaded for such attentions. I begged and pleaded for simple eye contact and a good morning as he started his day. I lay in bed at night for 11 years wishing I had married someone who wanted to come to bed with me. Who would want to sit on the couch with me and share tickles and snuggles. Who would want to hold my hand, and convey more feeling than obligation. Someone who could be my best friend. The person who cared about my day. Who asked because he wanted to know about my day, not because in some fight I had begged him to acknowledge my existance. Someone who would not greet the kids and dogs each time he passed and act as if I did not exist.<br />
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I think he very literally went for at least a year without ever even saying my name. Calling out to me. Why would he ever do that? And these memories assured me that despite all this pain, despite how good it felt to hold each other, we would never be ok together. We could never be healthy together. And so we wept, and squeezed each other, traced cheekbones and hands and whiskers. And eventually we slept, on wet pillows, and woke with sad and tired eyes. But each day it feels a little less. A little better. A little closer. The heartbreak doesn't go away, it just finds itself a more permanent fit in the spaces of my heart and mind. A corner to hang out that is not so blinding. Now I wonder if maybe I didn't chase his affections away as I remember that having someones arms around me for more than a short time begins to make me feel like a prisoner. Or maybe that's just something that goes away when you are with the right person. As each minute passes my need to escape feels like a vibration that grows. Like Flash when he holds his hand against a piece of glass and vibrates so hard and fast that the glass shatters. My mind vibrates harder and harder against its confines until in my mind I burst out, and in reality I move and end the moment by hurting his feelings.<br />
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This is right. This is what needs to happen. I need to be free, and he needs someone who doesn't actually need him. This is right. This is what needs to happen. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-78857051580865341252016-01-30T15:31:00.000-07:002016-03-28T08:51:52.062-06:00Delivery<div dir="ltr">
I don't mean to be blunt but I am. I wish I knew how to fix it. Timing all wrong, but when the message is don't be drunk around your kids I have a hard time backing down. Igh. This shit sucks. </div>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-36284735387199869592016-01-28T11:17:00.001-07:002016-01-30T15:31:18.551-07:00HeartbreakI had no idea there was any more of my heart to break, or that it would be I to break it, by hurting the one I am letting go.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-53260537062022167322016-01-19T08:57:00.001-07:002016-01-19T08:58:50.349-07:00From Ash<p dir="ltr">Heartbreak and relief all in one breath. I wish this on no one, but I know so many have gone before and made it through better and stronger. The life we know is gone, but a new one with different blessings awaits. I will lose many comforts, but new more important things will take their place. I will cry and mourn, and smile and laugh, and on the other side I will find some day in the future that I am whole once again. Changed. Morphed. Maybe even scarred. But tougher. Happier. And free to start again, this time holding on to who I am and becoming who I was always meant to be. I have few regrets, because even in the ashes I can see so much beauty that was given to me as lavish gifts in the middle of storms. My children for one.</p>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4663090601495409611.post-44464097484262884812016-01-14T16:32:00.001-07:002016-01-14T16:34:20.266-07:00Floor<p dir="ltr">I can't even put one foot in front of the other right now. I can't stand up without the tears flowing. So I'm here in the tiny WC in my bathroom. Door locked. Excuses made to the children. I find calm but each time I think of standing up and opening the door a wave of tears overcomes me. This is pathetic. But this is where I am. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I asked for a divorce.  He agreed, yet we are still in the same house and bed weeks later. I ask him to leave and it breaks my heart. He says no and it breaks my heart.  Friends and family say do this and that. He says no. And so I make no one happy. I have no backbone, and I don't even have enough sense to make my own decisions about all this. About life in general. So here I am. Ashamed and weak. In the bathroom. Blogging from my phone about the fact that I have no idea how I will stand up and walk out of here and face life and people at some point. And what I will do from there. </p>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0