Sunday, December 29, 2013

panic settling

There is a setting in my brain a little like a "panic switch."  It starts going off when I know I'm talking too much, sharing too much, just in general being too much to handle. The frustrating part is not being able to shut myself up. I can see the alarms flashing (metaphorically) in my head, but the words keep shoving their way out into the world. Permanent and heavy.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Monster I Created

They were a monster I created. An army of angry woman armed with flaming balls full of the fury that I lacked the courage to feel or express. I could not blame them for their hate.  I had stoked it, fed it, fueled it. A gift given to myself. The emotions I had shoved down deep, finally free and reflected back to me in their dismay.

And now I was asking them to forget all that.  To move beyond the stories I had told.  Not to deny that they had ever happened, or to question their truth, but to bury the emotional impact, and separate the stories from the man at the root of them.  Because I wanted to love him again.  But how could I ask them to do the same.  They were a monster I had created.  They had heard the stories I had told.  And they were unwilling to forget. 

Monday, December 16, 2013


In desperation, at the lowest of lows, head throbbing, feeling cracked like my heart, I utter prayers to God. I try to make sure to word it correctly. Must not let details get in the way. Lord I need you. I need your Spirit to fill me from within. Only Your love and light can fill the vortex inside of me and the cracks in my shell. Lord let me sleep, I beg you. And when I wake in the morning I pray I would be new and fresh, sustained by you.

This morning is tentative. The headache is gone as is the fever that has lasted 5 days. Inside is a tiny shred of hope. I am careful to hang on to that shred and put the rest out of my mind. If only for a little while.

This cycle. It doesn't have to be this way, but it is my way. And I always wonder when will be the time that I fail to reach out to God in time. He waits for me. I must trust that he also reaches out to catch me so that I don't fall for good.

Sunday, December 15, 2013


I was broken then and I am broken now. It doesn't matter how long I play the part of someone whole, it doesn't matter how many friends I make and keep. The emptiness inside is always there like a vacuum threatening to crumble me from within like a vortex of pain, ugliness, and self hate. I try to be positive for a time, and it seems to work. But when shit starts hitting the fan I begin to falter. The negative takes hold. Then I regret the negativity and self-hate slices itself a fresh wound.  I ooze and bleed raw emotion desperate to find someone or something who can swallow it. Like a sin eater. And people go running. As they should. I would do the same.

And I yell and scream and tell myself to stop, but the pieces just keep cracking more and more, the shell I've molded revealing all of its weaknesses. Pieces of clay improperly and incompletely jigsawed together. They held up for a time. Each piece balancing softly on another, giving and taking even seeming to flex and flow, taking life like a champ. Until the pull from within grows and one crucial sliver slips inside, and when the next piece pulls there is nothing there to lend its edge.

And so here I am. Sick for days. Horrified at how well my husband manages his duties as well as mine. The house is running more smoothly without me. Its not even a question, its a fact. The world has seen too much of the dark chasm inside, and so I am ashamed and withdraw from them as well. It may last, or my neediness may kick in and send me running right back to try to find a way to restore their affirmation. Their belief in me. At least someone can believe in me.  I'm not ready to run back at the moment. And so I have Googled dark questions, looked for dark answers. Contemplated the end. Contemplated uprooting my family to start over somewhere else where no one knows yet.  Contemplated staying with someone who breaks my heart over his cold stone one just so that my kids can have the hope of Disneylands and families and the shell of a real family in their future. But I'm pretty sure even they know this family doesn't operate like the rest of them. They know they are missing out on things while their father and mother hide from ourselves and each other. Like playing chicken to see who will succumb to what first.