I just read a friend's blog post about her weight struggles, and what her size means as far as how she defines herself. After reading it, I guess I kind of feel ready to do some exploration on here of my own. Before I say anything else, I will say that I blog for my own purposes more than anything else, and have decided not to focus on who might or might read this. That said, I apologize if I give too much information. If you don't like it then skip it.
The whole concept of weight loss has been a touchy one for me for my entire life. I grew up strong and athletic, and also very self conscious. There is not a day in my life that I haven't felt fat, however, looking back, I now know that I was pretty thin/normal for my height for the most part. I'd give anything to look like that again! Long story short, I struggled with bulimia for about 8 years, and ultimately bulimerexia for about two and a half of those years. My weight and weight loss were my obsession, my only thoughts, my only care. They ruled my life. Ultimately, in a miracle I can't even describe, God healed me. I won't go into those details, but I will say I have not thrown up intentionally in years, and I no longer even struggle with the temptation not to eat. All this is just background knowledge.
Here I am, years later. Literally 90 lbs heavier than my lowest weight. I was in reasonably good shape until I got pregnant with Gabriel. I was then, basically pregnant or recovering from pregnancy/C-sections for the next three years straight. Now, for the first time, with all that behind me, I am faced with my body as it is now. Suddenly my body is not just the product of a "condition." This is me. I have had, and still have, such trouble adapting to this new version of myself. For the first time, when I go to the gym, I'm the fat girl in the back struggling to keep up. I have never known that perspective before. It is so not easy. I literally cannot find clothes that fit both my height and my width. It is bizarre and depressing.
I am determined to lose weight. To not be this person anymore. But I have count the costs as I go along the way. I daily jump from (possibly obsessive) determination, hitting the gym every single day, to despair at how far I have to go. Wondering how I can possibly make it happen with three kids pulling me in every other direction. Plus, taking my kids to the gym means they get sick more often... which means I can't go to the gym. We've already spoken to their pediatritian and determined that they can either build up their immunity now, or when they start school, and decided that we are ok with doing it now, but I certainly can't take them with me when they have fevers or are germy etc.
Nothing in life is ever simple. I am just going to have be flexible and persistant; not letting bumps in the road throw me off track. I think the lessons I need to keep in my head for now are that first of all, I cannot let my weight define me as I do. I cannot think about what others see when they look at me, and I must look at that mirror and not criticize my body for its size, but instead, evaluate my direction and commitment to doing what is right for my body. Day by day. I will not just suddenly wake up skinny one morning. It is going to take a lot of work, and it will be very gradual. I can do it, and I will do it without crossing back into that dangerous territory where weight trumps all. After all, I have so much more to live for, love, and think of first now. My family is so much more important to me than my image of myself. They are certainly too precious to risk losing.
Anyway, heavy post I guess, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Phew. Just felt I needed to get that off my chest! Speaking of sick kids, Sara has had a fever today, so we stayed home, and will have to stay home tomorrow... and I got called out of class early yesterday because she was so fussy. But I did take an evening walk with Gabriel today, and we'll see about tomorrow. Sick kids mean no sleep, so right now, taking care of myself may mean getting as much sleep as I can. I plan to be back at the gym on Friday, and to continue on Monday with full momentum.