Saturday, August 30, 2014

Full Moon

I've always been a little crazy,
Some days more than not
I've chased my share of friends away
Not one have I forgot.

But those still standing at my side
Have weathered scary stormy tides
They've learned this too shall pass and soon
I'll ride the waves and be the moon

Regret is in my DNA
I may not make it through,
I'll take the days and love the sun,
Each time it can shine new,

And tuck my head
and hide in bed
When the night binds up my mind
And sanity is hard to find,

And in the morn,
Each time I wake
I'll thank my God
for those that stayed


I have this rule.  No plungers, toilet bowl cleaners or vibrators are allowed as a part of a move.  I mean really, they need to be thrown away every once in awhile, and while the cleanliness issue is obvious for the first two, the third item is really left out as a matter of risk.  Am I really going to remember what box I packed my buzzy friend in when we get to our destination?  I'm certainly not going to write "Sex Toys" on the box, although Dan did that once when we moved just as a joke. I think the box was actually filled with Towels and soaps etc.  There were several helpful friends who were quite taken aback when that was the next box in line to be moved during our last few transitions. And what happens if someone is kind enough to want to help you unpack?  How'd you like to unwrap a used Rabbit while helping your friend unpack the non-essentials?

What if you die in transit in a fiery car accident leaving your parents and brothers to manage the things you left behind?  Good grief, I may be paranoid, but I even make sure my closest friends are on board for sex toy cleanup should anything happen to me every time I go on vacation. Listen, its not like I'm a hoarder of all things crude and pornographic.  I have one item at any given time.  One. But not when its time to move.

So this week was the perfect time to clean out my dirty little closet so to speak since Dan was out of town, we were almost done with showings and inspections, and me being the only one responsible for taking the trash out.  I pushed that bad boy carefully down in the trash can under my sink, thinking that my next job was trash collection throughout the house.  I'll get there, I told myself.

Then the phone rang.

There was a showing scheduled, and as we were still not officially under contract it was important not to cancel showings.  I gathered the kids up as quickly as I could, kenneled the dogs and headed out.

And hour later we walked back in the house, and as I went to let the dogs out of their kennels I heard, through the wall, my bathroom trash can vibrating violently, and the door to the bathroom firmly shut.

OMG how did this happen? Were they digging in my trash?  Did someone touch it?? Are they going to tell my realtor? There is this portal where they can post their feedback regarding the house online. They could totally post "House showed great until my child pulled a vibrator out of the trash can." "Great house if you're a freak" "Beware of vibrators"

I mean this mofo was pretty big! I can just hear it in my horrified head: "Look Mommy, what is this toy for?"

The plot thickened.  I recieved an email from my realtor thanking me for letting the buyers in to look around again today.  The buyers.  The people who I have to sit across from at closing in a few short weeks signing my house over to their horrified mugs.  Its going to be great. "So, any interesting finds lately?"  "Which room vibrate- I mean do you like the most?"  

And this is why I have a blog. Because you can't just let a part of your history like this horrifying day slip out of your memory.  It needs to be recorded. Remembered. And hopefully eventually, laughed about.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Psalm 40:2

Psalm 40:2 2 "He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure."

Sunday, August 24, 2014


By the end of the day, the cloud lifts and I can see again. But the darkness still taunts from just below the surface. Sneering at me every time I smile or laugh.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Whisper- Evanescence


Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
If i will it all away

Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
If i will it all away


Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end

[Chorus x3]
Servatis a periculum [save us from danger].
Servatis a maleficum [save us from evil].

Monday, August 18, 2014

This Time it's Going to be Different

How many times do we say that to ourselves? Not that we should stop trying, but still.

I always think this time it'll be different. I'll be different. I'll keep it all packaged inside with nearly neatly tied bows, and stiff sides that don't allude to the bulging mass of emotions that are always swarming beneath.  But this time it really is different. Because this time I know it won't be. It's a fresh start, but its not going to solve anything.  I'll hold on as tight as I ever have, but I won't hang onto the illusion that it will be easier here.  That doesn't mean it won't be good. I have every intention of doing my best to make the best. But I don't see how I'll ever be able to open up and have friends the way I have here.  The messy ends are just too painful and humiliating. And always the same. Its me. Too much of me. Too much emotion. Too much drama. Too much too much too much.  I will always be too much.  And never quite enough. Apportioned in all the wrong ways and places, and not really destined to make it very far.  Broken and muddling.

In the good moments my faith in God is so strong that I can trust and believe that he will fill in for all of the gaps. He will hold me together like some sort of cosmic glue. I am ashamed that in these darker moments, I find myself assuming  he won't.  Thinking that maybe part of God's will is for my life to be a lesson to others. But a lesson in what? Just a stepping stone, a tragic backstory for my kids to overcome in order to be stronger adults?

I find myself realizing, this time with a calmness and acceptance, that this charade will not continue forever.  There will be a time when I will implode.  You can't shove this much emotion down without the pressure slowly mounting.  And let me tell you, it is at an all time high.  I've come to the point where I can't open up the tiniest crack without a downpour squeezing its way out onto whoever happens to be too close at the moment.  I'm the TMI girl, desperate for someone to take on just a little of the weight inside, but even those little bits are too damn much, and they have no idea that the amount still stuffed inside is infinitely more, and bigger, and heavier.  Like Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton (I'll never be the writers they were, that's not the comparison here) I'm just not meant to last here.  Good Lord, if Robin Williams can't hang on, how the hell can I?

I'm safe for now. I can't abandon my family in such a time, but I fear its only a matter of time. One or two breakdowns away... I just need to find a reason to fight it, rather than embrace it.