I have always envisioned being some sort of widely read blogger with perfect little doses of funny banter about all manner of things in my life. When anything of note happens, it always runs through my brain in one or two ways before it is fully processed: A Facebook Length Blurb, and a full on blog entry written inside my head, start to finish. The problem is, I never sit down and actually start typing. Or if I do, I end up getting distracted first by Facebook, email, other blogs I wish I could imitate, etc. And if I happen to get as far as logging into my blogger account, I suddenly get brain freeze, stare at the screen for a few seconds, and then give up and move on to more mindless tasks.
But today is going to be different - well, it already is. See? I've typed a full paragraph. Now whether I add any valuable content remains to be seen, but you have to start somewhere, right? Yikes! This stuff sounds much cheesier when it gets out of my head and onto my screen. Oh well.
Here's a summary of what's been up in my life, and if I still have some attentions span, energy, and or interest left, I may or may not elaborate. Or I may just go to bed. Or pretend to go to bed and end up playing an hour of Angry Birds or Toy Balls. I digress.
1) Went to an awesome Women's conference last night at today at my "new" church. Loved it. Learned a lot, but not so much from the speakers as what I felt God was speaking to me throughout. I kindof think he just needed to pull me away from my own craziness and life for a few hours to give me time to hear him and sort out the things he wanted me to hear. Very good. Hopefully I will continue to pray about these things and actively pursue them!
2) Sewing: So many projects! I've had a little bit of a problem motivating myself to tackle any projects, much less the longer ones, but I've discovered the beauty of bandana dresses and shorts which require little or no cutting, and often less than a half hour of sewing! Talk about instant gratification! I got myself to tackle one half of a more difficult project tonight, and then got bored, but its a start! Maybe I'll finish tomorrow. Currently I have two dresses to finish, two to start, and about 20 bandanas cut out and ready to go. Most of them are going to the Dominican Republic to an orphanage there. After that I plan on making as many as I can for some of the kids in the area that my cousin is living in Honduras... and after that I have some super cute pixie fabric that is begging to become a quilt, and then I have to finish a purse for a birthday present and convince myself not to keep it, because it is super cute. Then I have to add the batting, binding, and quilting to the quilt top I made out of old flannel burp cloths my kids have used. And then... Oh I won't even keep going. My head is spinning but there are so many more things on my to do list!
3) I'm tired so I'm going to go to bed now. Maybe I'll finish later, maybe I won't.
I didn't know I loved you back then, but now I realize I did. I had never felt that way before and so I tried to keep you at arms length. I tried to stay away, but for some reason I kept showing up at your door, knowing the world wouldn't feel right until I could see your face again and feel your kindness and warmth. I know I am where I am meant to be today, and I love my life, but I regret that my fear made me keep pushing you away. I do believe I hurt you, and I am sorry.
The last time I saw you is etched forever in my mind. You had moved on, and the sparkle you used to have in your eyes for me had been extinguished. I had taken you for granted for too long, and your feelings for me had withered away. How I searched those eyes for something - anything- that resembled the way you used to look at me. I didn't expect it, but my heart broke apart when I realized it would never return. I had lost you for good. I know you probably thought I was just using you, and that kills me. I can't see any other way that you could have interpreted my actions, but it was not so. I sat in my car that night, in the rain, in the dark, in the parking lot of your apartment complex, and I cried like a baby.
I can't explain it, but to this day, although I have married the man I love and was destined for, and we are happy, I still cry when I think of you. When I realize that I may never find you again. I know there can never be a relationship between us again, and that is not what I'm looking for, but I can't stop myself from trying to find you, to make sure you are ok. The woman you were with was horrible for you- horrible to you, and although this is probably incredibly selfish of me, I fear that I pushed you back to her. I pray that either you got away from her or that she changed and came to realize how amazing and kind and wonderful you are. Your eyes and your touch were always so gentle, and your arms always a safe and stable place. I loved you, and now I know that somewhere inside I always will. Wherever you are today, I wish you well, and I hope that someday our paths may cross again, so that I can tell you that you deserved so much better than me anyway, and so I can see that you found happiness either with or away from that woman.