Thursday, March 17, 2011

Wherever you are...

 I didn't know I loved you back then, but now I realize I did. I had never felt that way before and so I tried to keep you at arms length. I tried to stay away, but for some reason I kept showing up at your door, knowing the world wouldn't feel right until I could see your face again and feel your kindness and warmth. I know I am where I am meant to be today, and I love my life, but I regret that my fear made me keep pushing you away. I do believe I hurt you, and I am sorry.

The last time I saw you is etched forever in my mind. You had moved on, and the sparkle you used to have in your eyes for me had been extinguished. I had taken you for granted for too long, and your feelings for me had withered away. How I searched those eyes for something - anything- that resembled the way you used to look at me. I didn't expect it, but my heart broke apart when I realized it would never return. I had lost you for good. I know you probably thought I was just using you, and that kills me. I can't see any other way that you could have interpreted my actions, but it was not so. I sat in my car that night, in the rain, in the dark, in the parking lot of your apartment complex, and I cried like a baby.

I can't explain it, but to this day, although I have married the man I love and was destined for, and we are happy, I still cry when I think of you. When I realize that I may never find you again. I know there can never be a relationship between us again, and that is not what I'm looking for, but I can't stop myself from trying to find you, to make sure you are ok. The woman you were with was horrible for you- horrible to you, and although this is probably incredibly selfish of me, I fear that I pushed you back to her. I pray that either you got away from her or that she changed and came to realize how amazing and kind and wonderful you are. Your eyes and your touch were always so gentle, and your arms always a safe and stable place. I loved you, and now I know that somewhere inside I always will. Wherever you are today, I wish you well, and I hope that someday our paths may cross again, so that I can tell you that you deserved so much better than me anyway, and so I can see that you found happiness either with or away from that woman.