Wandering the aisles of the grocery store I ask myself what it is that I am looking for, but I don't have the answer. I am searching but I don't know what for. Suddenly it hits me. I am looking for something, anything to fill the hole I feel in my soul. The hole that supposedly only God could fill if I'd let him, but I don't. I search for quick fixes. Food, hobbies, sex, drama. All leave the hole even bigger, but I just keep stuffing things in. I need something every night to shove in the caverns inside me, to make me feel like I am still alive when so much of me seems cold and dormant, already dead and wasting away.
What am I afraid of? What can make me feel the fire of life and passion again? Why is it so hard for me to let go and let God?