The Ups and Downs

So, apparently the body they gave me is defective. It seems it requires a certain amount of this lame thing called "rest." What is that all about. So I guess the deal is that, A) I'm not eating well enough yet, and B)I'm not giving my body enough time to recover between workouts. Add that to a life in which a full nights sleep is little more than a fairytale, mornings that start at the a$$-crack of dawn early, and rarely a break to slow down, and what you get is me walking out early from a step/strength class exhausted and frustrated. Only to break down in tears in the car. Requiring my three year old and then my mom to console me. Yes, it was that bad.

Last week I weighed myself on my Wii and found that after no results for a month and a half, 10 lbs had suddenly, magically, disappeared. Sound fishy? It was. After glowing and gloating for a day and a half, I weighed myself again to find that all but 2 lbs of that had been a fluke. Yep. I lost 2 lbs. In my tired exhausted state, after getting up about 4 times each night with the kids, I was knocked down about as low as I could go.

I had a little chat with Gabriel. He told me not to cry and that he would make me laugh if I wanted him to. Then I had a chat with my mom and she reminded me that moderation is not my strong suit, and that maybe, just maybe, hitting the gym for the most intense class offered every day without any recovery days in between is not the best way to go. At least until I have kids that sleep. When you put it like that...

So decisions haven't been made, but tonight, wine was poured, a good dinner was had, and I spent $130 buying healthy snacks and meals at Sprouts. (Again with the lack of moderation!). Tonight I plan to sew the two purses I've been working on, maybe take a bath, maybe stay up late. Tomorrow I will not excercise, and I will not consider it a step backwards. I will call it rest. And I will develop a plan that spans M-Sat and involves a day off and only two or three days of cardio. And Sundays I will rest. And I will feel good about it. The rest remains to be seen.

The Weight Thing

I just read a friend's blog post about her weight struggles, and what her size means as far as how she defines herself. After reading it, I guess I kind of feel ready to do some exploration on here of my own. Before I say anything else, I will say that I blog for my own purposes more than anything else, and have decided not to focus on who might or might read this. That said, I apologize if I give too much information. If you don't like it then skip it.

The whole concept of weight loss has been a touchy one for me for my entire life. I grew up strong and athletic, and also very self conscious. There is not a day in my life that I haven't felt fat, however, looking back, I now know that I was pretty thin/normal for my height for the most part. I'd give anything to look like that again! Long story short, I struggled with bulimia for about 8 years, and ultimately bulimerexia for about two and a half of those years. My weight and weight loss were my obsession, my only thoughts, my only care. They ruled my life. Ultimately, in a miracle I can't even describe, God healed me. I won't go into those details, but I will say I have not thrown up intentionally in years, and I no longer even struggle with the temptation not to eat. All this is just background knowledge.

Here I am, years later. Literally 90 lbs heavier than my lowest weight. I was in reasonably good shape until I got pregnant with Gabriel. I was then, basically pregnant or recovering from pregnancy/C-sections for the next three years straight. Now, for the first time, with all that behind me, I am faced with my body as it is now. Suddenly my body is not just the product of a "condition." This is me. I have had, and still have, such trouble adapting to this new version of myself. For the first time, when I go to the gym, I'm the fat girl in the back struggling to keep up. I have never known that perspective before. It is so not easy. I literally cannot find clothes that fit both my height and my width. It is bizarre and depressing.

I am determined to lose weight. To not be this person anymore. But I have count the costs as I go along the way. I daily jump from (possibly obsessive) determination, hitting the gym every single day, to despair at how far I have to go. Wondering how I can possibly make it happen with three kids pulling me in every other direction. Plus, taking my kids to the gym means they get sick more often... which means I can't go to the gym. We've already spoken to their pediatritian and determined that they can either build up their immunity now, or when they start school, and decided that we are ok with doing it now, but I certainly can't take them with me when they have fevers or are germy etc.

Nothing in life is ever simple. I am just going to have be flexible and persistant; not letting bumps in the road throw me off track. I think the lessons I need to keep in my head for now are that first of all, I cannot let my weight define me as I do. I cannot think about what others see when they look at me, and I must look at that mirror and not criticize my body for its size, but instead, evaluate my direction and commitment to doing what is right for my body. Day by day. I will not just suddenly wake up skinny one morning. It is going to take a lot of work, and it will be very gradual. I can do it, and I will do it without crossing back into that dangerous territory where weight trumps all. After all, I have so much more to live for, love, and think of first now. My family is so much more important to me than my image of myself. They are certainly too precious to risk losing.

Anyway, heavy post I guess, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Phew. Just felt I needed to get that off my chest! Speaking of sick kids, Sara has had a fever today, so we stayed home, and will have to stay home tomorrow... and I got called out of class early yesterday because she was so fussy. But I did take an evening walk with Gabriel today, and we'll see about tomorrow. Sick kids mean no sleep, so right now, taking care of myself may mean getting as much sleep as I can. I plan to be back at the gym on Friday, and to continue on Monday with full momentum.

Shorthand

I wanted to post a big old entry today about all sorts of things, but there just isn't time in the day...so here's a list:

1. 3 lbs and 3 inches down... many to go, but happy to see the progress and really enjoying my gym time - it doesn't feel like work, I am always excited to go!

2. Sewing: Working on a cute new outfit for Sara including an adorable shirt/dress with an open back for the hot summer, bloomers, and a hat - a big first for me. So far very cute. Still need to update Etsy with the new dresses - again, no time. Excited to sew some dresses for a couple of my friend's daughters with some cute fabric we picked out together! Also, I sewed a longish, lightweight summer wrap skirt for me (pics to come) and learned French Seams in the process - very cool. The skirt is a little small, so I might make another one, but I'm looking forward to fitting into the original one soon! I owe an Etsy buyer a purse but I'm having a hard time getting motivated to make it because I'm having so much fun on the dresses!

3. Gabriel - is almost done with Preschool for the year. This summer we are going to work on swimming, writing and recognizing letters, and riding a bike.

4. Maddox is talking like crazy, even stringing sentences together - so cute!!

5. Sara is rolling over with ease from back to tummy, but still working on tummy to back. She is still a sweetie and working on a few teeth! Time is flying!

I think that's it!

Going Strong...and Being Flexible

Week one of Project Self-Esteem is going great! I'm having to be a little flexible with schedules and expectations, but ultimately that is probably a good thing, as it is keeping me from jumping in too fast and going overboard which will only lead to injury and/or burnout. Friday and Saturday I just did small workouts at home, and Sunday after going to the Farmer's Market I mowed the lawn, sprayed for weeds, and worked in the garden for awhile which felt like a workout in itself - though I'm not counting it. Monday I went to a dance fusion class and had a great time. The kids did pretty well, although they were just about to call me to pick up Sara when I came in because she had gotten fussy.

Yesterday I took the day off and just did some light ab work, and a few excercises on the Wii Fit. These are decent excercizes but I have trouble calling it a workout since there is really no flow to it, and you just do little bits and pieces. I'll keep using it though for when I'm trying to workout during kids naps etc, when I don't know how much time I'll have. We also went for a nice long walk yesterday.

Today after sending Gabriel off to preschool, the little ones and I headed to the gym. This time though, Maddox was not having it. He cried the whole time, and after 20 minutes on the elliptical machine they paged me to come get him. I did work up a good sweat, but didn't really do enough to call it a whole workout. Tonight I'll try to do an EA Active workout on the Wii. Those are a little more challenging and time consuming than the Wii Fit, but also customizeable.

Overall I am feeling great! My body is a little tired because it isn't used to all this, but I don't think I'm overdoing it, since I'm doing bits and pieces, and working different parts of my body on different days. Its too early for any results yet, but I can already feel myself walking taller, feeling better, and using better posture. I still have to work on eating less and eating better, but I think it is wise to wait awhile to focus on that. I don't want to try to do too much at once.

I went to Target and bought some new workout shorts and tops and socks, and I'm pretty much going around in gym clothes all day, but it makes me feel good and reminds me constantly of my new goals, of my posture, to take a few extra steps and stairs here and there, etc. I am determined to make this work! I think the biggest motivator for me came during the dance fusion class. It didn't help that the teacher was the thinnest waifish woman I have ever seen, but looking in that huge mirror I saw a body that I didn't even recognize as my own. I was horrified and upset, but decided right then and there that I am just going to defeat myself if I focus on the negative. So here I go!

Project Self Esteem

Today I am starting a new "project" so to speak. After having three C-Sections in 3.5 years my body has taken a beating, and I have been so busy I haven't been able to focus on getting back in shape. That combined with being a stress-eater has led me to top out at my highest non-pregnant weight ever - which is only a few pounds less than when I was pregnant! Ultimately the goal is to lose weight, but I'm going to try not to focus on the numbers. The most important part is for me to start feeling better about myself, and getting in shape and eating better is going to help that. This seemed like a truly insurmountable task since I am home all day with three kids, and too exhausted after they got to bed to do anything. Enter Frisco Rec Center.

I had heard that I would be able to bring my kids, drop them off at their childcare facility and go work out for up to two hours, but I have to admit I didn't really believe it. There had to be some sort of catch. So yesterday while my mom was in town and watching the kids, I finally dragged my butt over there and checked it out. And its true!!! For $35 a month I can work out there EVERY DAY and drop the kids off for up to 2 hours a day! EVERY DAY! FOR FREE!! It will be a little tricky planning around feeding schedules, class schedules, nap schedules, and preschool schedules - not to mention just getting out the door with diaper bags, strollers etc, but I am motivated to do it!

Today was the first day. I checked in, dropped the kids off, did the eliptical machine for a 20 minute work out, and then went to 45 minutes of a cardio-boxing/aerobics class that totally kicked my butt, but it felt SO GOOD!! I was a little self conscious, but I think once I go a few more times I'll be more comfortable. My goal is to make sure I'm doing what I enjoy while I'm there, and remembering that its MY time, not some other obligation I HAVE to fill, and as long as I keep the pressure off I will enjoy it, continue to go, and the weight will start to fall off!

So... I'm going to be more honest here than I'm really comfortable with, but I've got to track my starting point somewhere. I weighed in today at 237! Yikes! I just have to keep remembering that my body has been through three major stomach surgeries in 3.5 years, and that it could take up to a year to recover. I'm only on month 4. The most important goal is progress of some sort. I'm going to set weight goals, but for now they will not have time limits. My first goal is 10 lbs. Then, when I reach pre-pregnancy weight (3rd pregnancy)(211 lbs) I will treat myself to something - maybe new clothes, maybe new bras, maybe new workout clothes... we'll see. The next goal will be to get under 200. I am not going to look beyond that right now. I will have more work to do when I get there, but if I think about the total amount I need to lose I am afraid it will just frustrate and discourage me, and I won't be able to focus on the smaller goals.

I was planning on going to the gym 5 days a week, but I think sticking to 3 days a week may be a wiser start. Plus that will allow me some time for playdates etc.

Wish me luck!!

Oh, by the way, the kids are doing great, lol. More on them later, this post is all about me!!!

The Slightly Selfish Mama

Worth a Thousand Words

So, here are a bunch of pictures from our day. 













Some priceless family time...

Bringing Christmas Songs To Life

This has been one extra special holiday season already - and its only Christmas Eve!  For those who are interested I have baby Sara's "birth story" to share!  But first, this year brings new meaning to some of my old favorite Christmas songs:

I'll Be Home For Christmas - while I usually shed a tear (or a few) over this song, longing to be in Colorado to share Christmas with my parents and brothers and their families, this year I am celebrating getting out of the hospital with my favorite Christmas present yet, baby Sara, and in time to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my family.  The picture would be even more perfect if my brothers and their families could be here with us, but they are here in spirit if nothing else!

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas - Oh how I have been dreaming of a white Christmas!  After 5 years in California I practically begged God for a White Christmas.  Most people here laughed at me and said it would happen maybe once in a lifetime, and you know what?  Maybe they are right, but that once in a lifetime is happening this very minute! It is snowing great big white flakes outside, and even beginning to cover the ground a bit!  Its wonderful!

For those who were surprised to hear that baby Sara made her grand entrance prior to Christmas, here's the story - its nothing too dramatic, well, it was for us, of course.  Sara was scheduled to be born on 12/28 by Csection, but after a month of increasing contractions and signs of labor, my wonderful Dr. decided that, as I had suspected, the chances of my spending Christmas in the hospital in an emergency C were growing fairly strong. So to avoid any complications and/or interrupted Christmas dinners, she gave me a call Monday the 21st asking if I could be at the hospital at 5:30am on Tuesday to have little Sara!  We all decided it was the best thing, and guessed that she'd already be (ahem) 7 1/2 lbs at least (giggle giggle).  So after a little bit of a long surgery due to scar tissue, Sara made her entrance at 7:52am on 12/22 (15 months to the day after Maddox's birth) at a whopping 8 lbs 13 oz!!  She is a big, beautiful girl with a head FULL of the most beautiful dark hair I have ever seen.  Her cheeks are big and round and precious.  I couldn't be happier, neither could her father!  Gabriel is completely smitten as well, although Maddox is still deciding what he things of her.

I have been utterly blessed with the help of my parents, my amazing husband, my sister in law, and my friends here, who have corralled to take care of the boys, bring loads of clothes for our little bundle to make sure she is warm in this cold weather, and keeping me company in the hospital.  I also have an amazing Dr and had amazing nurses who did everything they could to get me home as early on Christmas Eve as possible while making sure I am as comfortable as possible.  We may be opening Christmas presents in our bedroom, but hey, we'll do what we have to! We are just happy to all get to be together!