This was from another blog of mine from a few years back:
I try not to look in the mirror often. As little as possible in fact. At this point in my life, with three small children, the sad truth is that I am pretty sure I have, at one time or another, gone days without actually looking myself in the mirror. I know. Bad. Brushing my teeth? Yes. Every day. Without fail. But I close my eyes while I brush. No joke. That or run out to see which kid is hitting who or breaking what while I try to reach my farthest back teeth and order children around all at the same time through a bubbly toothpaste filled mouth before having to run back to the sink to spit. I know. Bad.
The truth is I can’t stand to look in the mirror, and I don’t relate to the image it portrays either. That women in there, she isn’t me. She ate me up or something and I’m stuck inside her belly rolls and chin fat and cankles. She has smothered me really. Or at least that’s what I tell myself when I find one excuse or another to stay on the couch or sew silly dolls instead of go to the gym or take my husky Yukon on a walk. My legs, my real legs used to do amazing things. In fact they were always one of my best qualities.
At 6 feet tall my legs were always long and lean and toned with chiseled calf muscles that carried me from high school and college sports through my final athletic feat, a marathon. 26.2 miles. The proudest day of my life. One I would never have been able to achieve without those beautiful calves. And without my mom’s well-meaning incredulity when I told her I wanted to run one. I’ve never been much of a finisher, so her doubt was well founded, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let someone tell me I can’t do something. And so I did. And my mother was my greatest cheerleader and ally through the training process. She’s good like that.
But that’s when this fat lazy old lady with wrinkles and lumps and blotches started to swallow me up. She was sneaky that one, moving in little by little. She kept telling me I deserved to let my body rest and recover just a little bit longer after that marathon. After all, I had worked hard and deserved a little rest, didn’t I? Just a little longer?
That was 9 years ago. Between then and now I got married, moved across the county to California, had three kids cut straight out of my belly, moved again to Texas where it’s just too damned hot most of the time to exercise, took up sewing, and that was that. Now those beautiful calves are lumpy cankles. The knees are surrounded by layers of soft stuff. What is that soft stuff? My legs have never had soft stuff before!?! The scar on my belly is one thing I never feel self-conscious about. Mostly because I can’t see down there over my baby belly. Nope, not pregnant again, just never stopped looking like it. Maybe I just want to trick my body into having that healthy baby glow too?? It doesn’t work, FYI.
I think I'll go sew a doll...
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Crying
I never wanted my children to see me cry. To say things like "Mama gets sad sometimes." To grow up telling a story of a mother who loved them, but who was somehow broken inside. In my mind I was always going to be stronger than that. Better than that. Happier. Yet here I am, in the dark, and she is in the doorway. There are pills in the kitchen cabinet that my husband reminds me every night to take.
"So that she doesn't go crazy," he explains to company when they are here late enough to hear his reminder alarm go off. It plays "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" every night at 10:30.
Sara must have heard me from upstairs when she crept from her bed into the media room where her daddy was deeply engrossed in his video game. She heard me and, instead of getting his attention, she turned around, tiptoed down each creaking stair, stood in the doorway for a moment, choking back a matching sob. She almost let it out before deciding that she needed to be strong for mommy. She put on her big girl britches and climbed in bed behind me. she stroked my hair like any good mama does. Gently pulled my bangs free of my soggy cheeks like a pro. Rubbing my back she softly asked, in her three year old, oh so adult voice "Why you cwyin mama? What's wong?"
I explain to her that its nothing to worry about, but the tears just won't stop. Normally at this time of night I would walk her back to her room, tuck her in while she kicked and screamed, and wait until she would tire herself out and fall back asleep. But tonight I reached over and pulled her close to me. Nestling her head into the crook of my arm and snuggling my face into her soft, sweet smelling hair. And we fell asleep. But not before she reached up and kissed me gently on my forehead. Like any good mama would. Just like a pro.
"So that she doesn't go crazy," he explains to company when they are here late enough to hear his reminder alarm go off. It plays "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" every night at 10:30.
Sara must have heard me from upstairs when she crept from her bed into the media room where her daddy was deeply engrossed in his video game. She heard me and, instead of getting his attention, she turned around, tiptoed down each creaking stair, stood in the doorway for a moment, choking back a matching sob. She almost let it out before deciding that she needed to be strong for mommy. She put on her big girl britches and climbed in bed behind me. she stroked my hair like any good mama does. Gently pulled my bangs free of my soggy cheeks like a pro. Rubbing my back she softly asked, in her three year old, oh so adult voice "Why you cwyin mama? What's wong?"
I explain to her that its nothing to worry about, but the tears just won't stop. Normally at this time of night I would walk her back to her room, tuck her in while she kicked and screamed, and wait until she would tire herself out and fall back asleep. But tonight I reached over and pulled her close to me. Nestling her head into the crook of my arm and snuggling my face into her soft, sweet smelling hair. And we fell asleep. But not before she reached up and kissed me gently on my forehead. Like any good mama would. Just like a pro.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Scattered But Good
I have always envisioned being some sort of widely read blogger with perfect little doses of funny banter about all manner of things in my life. When anything of note happens, it always runs through my brain in one or two ways before it is fully processed: A Facebook Length Blurb, and a full on blog entry written inside my head, start to finish. The problem is, I never sit down and actually start typing. Or if I do, I end up getting distracted first by Facebook, email, other blogs I wish I could imitate, etc. And if I happen to get as far as logging into my blogger account, I suddenly get brain freeze, stare at the screen for a few seconds, and then give up and move on to more mindless tasks.
But today is going to be different - well, it already is. See? I've typed a full paragraph. Now whether I add any valuable content remains to be seen, but you have to start somewhere, right? Yikes! This stuff sounds much cheesier when it gets out of my head and onto my screen. Oh well.
Here's a summary of what's been up in my life, and if I still have some attentions span, energy, and or interest left, I may or may not elaborate. Or I may just go to bed. Or pretend to go to bed and end up playing an hour of Angry Birds or Toy Balls. I digress.
1) Went to an awesome Women's conference last night at today at my "new" church. Loved it. Learned a lot, but not so much from the speakers as what I felt God was speaking to me throughout. I kindof think he just needed to pull me away from my own craziness and life for a few hours to give me time to hear him and sort out the things he wanted me to hear. Very good. Hopefully I will continue to pray about these things and actively pursue them!
2) Sewing: So many projects! I've had a little bit of a problem motivating myself to tackle any projects, much less the longer ones, but I've discovered the beauty of bandana dresses and shorts which require little or no cutting, and often less than a half hour of sewing! Talk about instant gratification! I got myself to tackle one half of a more difficult project tonight, and then got bored, but its a start! Maybe I'll finish tomorrow. Currently I have two dresses to finish, two to start, and about 20 bandanas cut out and ready to go. Most of them are going to the Dominican Republic to an orphanage there. After that I plan on making as many as I can for some of the kids in the area that my cousin is living in Honduras... and after that I have some super cute pixie fabric that is begging to become a quilt, and then I have to finish a purse for a birthday present and convince myself not to keep it, because it is super cute. Then I have to add the batting, binding, and quilting to the quilt top I made out of old flannel burp cloths my kids have used. And then... Oh I won't even keep going. My head is spinning but there are so many more things on my to do list!
3) I'm tired so I'm going to go to bed now. Maybe I'll finish later, maybe I won't.
But today is going to be different - well, it already is. See? I've typed a full paragraph. Now whether I add any valuable content remains to be seen, but you have to start somewhere, right? Yikes! This stuff sounds much cheesier when it gets out of my head and onto my screen. Oh well.
Here's a summary of what's been up in my life, and if I still have some attentions span, energy, and or interest left, I may or may not elaborate. Or I may just go to bed. Or pretend to go to bed and end up playing an hour of Angry Birds or Toy Balls. I digress.
1) Went to an awesome Women's conference last night at today at my "new" church. Loved it. Learned a lot, but not so much from the speakers as what I felt God was speaking to me throughout. I kindof think he just needed to pull me away from my own craziness and life for a few hours to give me time to hear him and sort out the things he wanted me to hear. Very good. Hopefully I will continue to pray about these things and actively pursue them!
2) Sewing: So many projects! I've had a little bit of a problem motivating myself to tackle any projects, much less the longer ones, but I've discovered the beauty of bandana dresses and shorts which require little or no cutting, and often less than a half hour of sewing! Talk about instant gratification! I got myself to tackle one half of a more difficult project tonight, and then got bored, but its a start! Maybe I'll finish tomorrow. Currently I have two dresses to finish, two to start, and about 20 bandanas cut out and ready to go. Most of them are going to the Dominican Republic to an orphanage there. After that I plan on making as many as I can for some of the kids in the area that my cousin is living in Honduras... and after that I have some super cute pixie fabric that is begging to become a quilt, and then I have to finish a purse for a birthday present and convince myself not to keep it, because it is super cute. Then I have to add the batting, binding, and quilting to the quilt top I made out of old flannel burp cloths my kids have used. And then... Oh I won't even keep going. My head is spinning but there are so many more things on my to do list!
3) I'm tired so I'm going to go to bed now. Maybe I'll finish later, maybe I won't.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wherever you are...
I didn't know I loved you back then, but now I realize I did. I had never felt that way before and so I tried to keep you at arms length. I tried to stay away, but for some reason I kept showing up at your door, knowing the world wouldn't feel right until I could see your face again and feel your kindness and warmth. I know I am where I am meant to be today, and I love my life, but I regret that my fear made me keep pushing you away. I do believe I hurt you, and I am sorry.
The last time I saw you is etched forever in my mind. You had moved on, and the sparkle you used to have in your eyes for me had been extinguished. I had taken you for granted for too long, and your feelings for me had withered away. How I searched those eyes for something - anything- that resembled the way you used to look at me. I didn't expect it, but my heart broke apart when I realized it would never return. I had lost you for good. I know you probably thought I was just using you, and that kills me. I can't see any other way that you could have interpreted my actions, but it was not so. I sat in my car that night, in the rain, in the dark, in the parking lot of your apartment complex, and I cried like a baby.
I can't explain it, but to this day, although I have married the man I love and was destined for, and we are happy, I still cry when I think of you. When I realize that I may never find you again. I know there can never be a relationship between us again, and that is not what I'm looking for, but I can't stop myself from trying to find you, to make sure you are ok. The woman you were with was horrible for you- horrible to you, and although this is probably incredibly selfish of me, I fear that I pushed you back to her. I pray that either you got away from her or that she changed and came to realize how amazing and kind and wonderful you are. Your eyes and your touch were always so gentle, and your arms always a safe and stable place. I loved you, and now I know that somewhere inside I always will. Wherever you are today, I wish you well, and I hope that someday our paths may cross again, so that I can tell you that you deserved so much better than me anyway, and so I can see that you found happiness either with or away from that woman.
The last time I saw you is etched forever in my mind. You had moved on, and the sparkle you used to have in your eyes for me had been extinguished. I had taken you for granted for too long, and your feelings for me had withered away. How I searched those eyes for something - anything- that resembled the way you used to look at me. I didn't expect it, but my heart broke apart when I realized it would never return. I had lost you for good. I know you probably thought I was just using you, and that kills me. I can't see any other way that you could have interpreted my actions, but it was not so. I sat in my car that night, in the rain, in the dark, in the parking lot of your apartment complex, and I cried like a baby.
I can't explain it, but to this day, although I have married the man I love and was destined for, and we are happy, I still cry when I think of you. When I realize that I may never find you again. I know there can never be a relationship between us again, and that is not what I'm looking for, but I can't stop myself from trying to find you, to make sure you are ok. The woman you were with was horrible for you- horrible to you, and although this is probably incredibly selfish of me, I fear that I pushed you back to her. I pray that either you got away from her or that she changed and came to realize how amazing and kind and wonderful you are. Your eyes and your touch were always so gentle, and your arms always a safe and stable place. I loved you, and now I know that somewhere inside I always will. Wherever you are today, I wish you well, and I hope that someday our paths may cross again, so that I can tell you that you deserved so much better than me anyway, and so I can see that you found happiness either with or away from that woman.
Monday, December 20, 2010
No Shame
12 years ago I joined the ranks of those who are often called "survivors." I accept and also hate that term, however it is better than "victim." I am not a victim. I have kept my story quiet for many reasons, one being that I don't want to feel the need to validate myself and my claims. Two being that I was abused as a child, and felt that no one would ever believe that one person would be so "unlucky." I knew I wouldn't be believed. But did you know, those who are victimized as children are much more likely to be victimized again and even again? Bet that's something you didn't know! Neither did I! But that knowledge can and should be out there! I felt so relieved when i found out it wasn't just me! I want other people to know that they are not alone.
So why talk about it now? Simple! I truly feel that God has laid it on my heart to work towards assisting other victims in ridding themselves of the shame that encumbers those of us who have experienced rape, sexual assault, and abuse. I don't know how it will play out long term, but I envision opening and running a facility similar to RAAP in Denver.
Also, I suddenly felt that one of the best ways to shrug off shame is to open your mouth and be honest! These events no longer rule my life and thoughts. They no longer haunt my every day and night. They have certainly been a part of shaping me, but they do not define me. I am a happily married, perfectly functional wife and mother! I do not need support, looks of pity, or to air my hurts, heck, I no longer even care if my story is believed or not! I am not a mess that needs to be cleaned up, but I no longer care to hide the stains!
Thank you for hanging in there while I jumped up on my soapbox- I will now step down. This is me, it's who I am, and I am not ashamed! -and neither should you be, for I know that I am not alone...
So why talk about it now? Simple! I truly feel that God has laid it on my heart to work towards assisting other victims in ridding themselves of the shame that encumbers those of us who have experienced rape, sexual assault, and abuse. I don't know how it will play out long term, but I envision opening and running a facility similar to RAAP in Denver.
Also, I suddenly felt that one of the best ways to shrug off shame is to open your mouth and be honest! These events no longer rule my life and thoughts. They no longer haunt my every day and night. They have certainly been a part of shaping me, but they do not define me. I am a happily married, perfectly functional wife and mother! I do not need support, looks of pity, or to air my hurts, heck, I no longer even care if my story is believed or not! I am not a mess that needs to be cleaned up, but I no longer care to hide the stains!
Thank you for hanging in there while I jumped up on my soapbox- I will now step down. This is me, it's who I am, and I am not ashamed! -and neither should you be, for I know that I am not alone...
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Not Really On The Edge of My Thirties Anymore...
I totally rock at denial in all forms. This last year I have been 30. Something I rarely even allowed myself to utter. In my mind though, I made myself feel better (I know, I know, its not that bad) by thinking that, at least I am just barely in my 30s. I could almost go either way, really, right? Like if I just grow younger this year I'll be back to my 20s in no time. Like, I'm only 30 because I just whipped out 3 kids and had three major surgeries, but as soon as I remove the physical evidence of said adventures I'll be right back to that twenty-something "girl". Haha! Well, it was fun while it lasted! Now I am officially 31. Well, in an hour anyway. It will be interesting to see what new form my denial takes on now!
Life is good. I am in for a good birthday. Its not even my birthday yet, and its already a good birthday. First off, I have known all week that the day of my birthday is going to be fantabulous. 2 hours at the gym, one of which will be spent doing yoga... the other will probably be spent feeding Sara and chit-chatting with my yoga/mommy/gym/wine-drinking buddy. Sans kids. Which means conversations will actually get completed. Sentences will be uninterrupted. It will be GREAT! Then I'll take the kids home in time for nap... I hope to take a little snooze myself. And then, no sooner than they wake up, I'll be dropping them off at the previously mentioned friend's house so that I can go get an aromatherapy massage. Then, saving the best for last, two of my friends and I will be doing "Painting with a Twist." Basically you show up with wine and snacks, you talk, you drink wine, and these artists make you think you painted a masterpiece. I am convinced they bank on you drinking enough wine that you won't notice when they sneak in behind you and correct all your painting mistakes, and at some point, pretty much just take over. But all accounts so far report that you do indeed come home with a wall-worthy painting!
Then, Saturday night hubby and I will have a date night! I have such wonderful friends who are not only watching my gaggle of children for me on two different days, but who also set aside their time specifically to come play with me on my birthday! And a wonderful husband who will let me drag him wherever I decide, and who I know I will have fun with no matter where we end up.
Aaaand, we're not done. There are more reasons still why this birthday is totally rocking. I got some birthday money. And I bought fabric with it. I know that sounds soooo very boring, and so not the twenty-something chick I was hoping to sound like, but this is good fabric. Fantastic fabric actually. Fabric I would have NEVER bought for myself because it is literally $17 a yard! I have no idea how I will ever convince myself to actually cut into this beautiful fabric, but I will! See, here's the fabric:
The designer is Heather Ross, one of the designers whose fabrics I constantly gawk at, fill shopping carts with online, and then sadly delete because it is just too expensive to use "regular money" on... but birthday money is a whole different thing! Here is a few of the other prints in her collection.
In case you were wondering, my other favorite favorite favorite designers are:
Amy Butler
Valori Wells
Jennifer Paganelli
Anna Maria Horner and
Tula Pink
Oh, and I'm trying to design my own fabric to be printed by Spoonflower.com inspired by a childrens book who's pictures instantly begged me to make them into fabric... we'll see how that goes, my Illustrator skills are a little rusty, but I think I finished the first one already!!
Life is good. I am in for a good birthday. Its not even my birthday yet, and its already a good birthday. First off, I have known all week that the day of my birthday is going to be fantabulous. 2 hours at the gym, one of which will be spent doing yoga... the other will probably be spent feeding Sara and chit-chatting with my yoga/mommy/gym/wine-drinking buddy. Sans kids. Which means conversations will actually get completed. Sentences will be uninterrupted. It will be GREAT! Then I'll take the kids home in time for nap... I hope to take a little snooze myself. And then, no sooner than they wake up, I'll be dropping them off at the previously mentioned friend's house so that I can go get an aromatherapy massage. Then, saving the best for last, two of my friends and I will be doing "Painting with a Twist." Basically you show up with wine and snacks, you talk, you drink wine, and these artists make you think you painted a masterpiece. I am convinced they bank on you drinking enough wine that you won't notice when they sneak in behind you and correct all your painting mistakes, and at some point, pretty much just take over. But all accounts so far report that you do indeed come home with a wall-worthy painting!
Then, Saturday night hubby and I will have a date night! I have such wonderful friends who are not only watching my gaggle of children for me on two different days, but who also set aside their time specifically to come play with me on my birthday! And a wonderful husband who will let me drag him wherever I decide, and who I know I will have fun with no matter where we end up.
Aaaand, we're not done. There are more reasons still why this birthday is totally rocking. I got some birthday money. And I bought fabric with it. I know that sounds soooo very boring, and so not the twenty-something chick I was hoping to sound like, but this is good fabric. Fantastic fabric actually. Fabric I would have NEVER bought for myself because it is literally $17 a yard! I have no idea how I will ever convince myself to actually cut into this beautiful fabric, but I will! See, here's the fabric:
The designer is Heather Ross, one of the designers whose fabrics I constantly gawk at, fill shopping carts with online, and then sadly delete because it is just too expensive to use "regular money" on... but birthday money is a whole different thing! Here is a few of the other prints in her collection.
In case you were wondering, my other favorite favorite favorite designers are:
Amy Butler
Valori Wells
Jennifer Paganelli
Anna Maria Horner and
Tula Pink
Oh, and I'm trying to design my own fabric to be printed by Spoonflower.com inspired by a childrens book who's pictures instantly begged me to make them into fabric... we'll see how that goes, my Illustrator skills are a little rusty, but I think I finished the first one already!!
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