In desperation, at the lowest of lows, head throbbing, feeling cracked like my heart, I utter prayers to God. I try to make sure to word it correctly. Must not let details get in the way. Lord I need you. I need your Spirit to fill me from within. Only Your love and light can fill the vortex inside of me and the cracks in my shell. Lord let me sleep, I beg you. And when I wake in the morning I pray I would be new and fresh, sustained by you.
This morning is tentative. The headache is gone as is the fever that has lasted 5 days. Inside is a tiny shred of hope. I am careful to hang on to that shred and put the rest out of my mind. If only for a little while.
This cycle. It doesn't have to be this way, but it is my way. And I always wonder when will be the time that I fail to reach out to God in time. He waits for me. I must trust that he also reaches out to catch me so that I don't fall for good.