Dear Liz

I have decided I need to have enough respect for myself to let the thought of becoming "friends" with you go. You may be sweet as hell to my face, but you still fucked my ex on a bed I still had to sleep in, even after knowing how much it upset me. Left your thong on my bookshelf, fucked in my bathtub as I had the pleasure of hearing all about from Dan. You may be nice to my face, but you didn't care enough to not continue hurting me. And I understand now that I don't need or want you to like me. I deserve to be treated better than that. Better than Dan treated me for 14 years, and I want no part of anything different. Dan may have you fooled now, but he is not a nice man. It will sneak up on you little by little as he snuffs out your light. Good luck with that.

These hands

The knowledge that more than likely, I will die by these hands someday...

Wall

You are a brick wall.
I throw arrows out of desperation,
In love and hate.
But they bounce off and
Stab me instead.

Holes

Empty holes

All here inside

Tears are bound

To burst me wide.

Why can’t I find

My way with friends

And trust their love

Won’t quickly end?

So much fear

And shame in me

I feel like all

Around can see.

I hide in shadow

From all who care

I don’t know how

To meet them there.

Empty holes

All here inside

The pain and fear

Will burst me wide.

Beneath the stars

Star light,

Star bright, 

how I wish

For peace tonight.

My heart is broken

Things seem dark

But in the sky

I see God’s Mark.

I wish I may

I wish I might

Find the strength

To stay tonight.

Better

When I ask myself why I don’t try harder to get better, I think I realize I don’t deserve to get better. I am still just waiting to die. I am really struggling today. Not to stay alive but to not hurt myself and to not just stay in bed.

The Moon

The Moon told me that he would shine
If I would lift my eyes.
They rose up liquid, pulled
as if they were the tide.

He held my gaze until the morn
when the lemon Sun stepped in.
Still I felt the lingering soft
of his silver on my skin.

Choices

None can help 

This mind of mine

The pieces are

Too shattered

And sharp.

None can take

In all of me

The weight 

I carry is

Just too much.

And so I choose

Life or death?

Solitude and 

Fortitude 

And strength

I haven’t got,

Or death and 

Destruction

Of family

And faith

And soon 

To be forgot.

Bones

The stillness of my bones

does not betray

the chaos in my mind

that will not go away

I am frozen here alone

while battles rage inside

voices call me out

in waves like highest tides

None have time for this

All busy on their own

And so I sit and listen

to the voices that I own.

Puzzles

We are puzzles pieced together
Through colorful histories
And varied weather.
So many mysteries entwine
to differentiate yours
and mine
and yet
I hide the patterns
of my pieces for fear
that my mosaic will be
all too clear
and you will think you know
me
Just by what you see.

Like Syl

Tears glisten
On her face
now still;
The struggle over now.
She stayed so long
Already
But the time has come
For peace
For quiet
For the churning voices
To have their way.
For silence to overtake
the chaos that lived
Inside her eyes
Now still.

Rise above?

The bracelet on my wrist says Rise Above
But why? And how?
The tattoo on my arm says
My story isn't over.
But when can it be? I'm so tired
You see.

600 friends of Facebook
And no one to come to.
600 profiles waiting
But not to hear from me
Who can I talk to?
I'm so alone I can't breathe.

Voices in my head chime in
You are broken, not for keeps
They jab and poke and hate me
And never do they sleep.
Why won't they leave me?
Why can't I be free

I just want to sleep forever
To say all my goodbyes you see
I don't want you to hate me
But I am just too weak
I can't even kill myself
So here sit and cry and plead.

Black

In the blackness
I lose myself
In the dark I am afraid
Of what I will do.
Night calls me
To my razors edge
To say goodbye
To end my pain
And each morning
I sigh relief
Still here,
I can breathe again
For a few hours
Til in the blackness
I lose myself
Again
Till the dark calls
To see my blood
To say good night.

Hope

Hope is a vapor
Floating through the air
A sudden swell and taper
Leaves me grasping here and there

Blood

My blood is my only friend
I can tell the truth with blades
On skin
The slice and drip and sting
Brings calm.
My hurts now have a name.
They are outside of my head
Fleshy and real and red.

How Close

How close we mingle
Love and hate;
Need and rape.
I think mostly you
Are good to me
But I cannot trust
My mind and how
Closely it mingles
Love and hate
And need and rape.

History has made sex
A dark depraved thing
Echoed by drunken nights
And men who didn't care
When I cried.
I think you'd care,
But I don't cry
For such things anymore;
For love or hate
Or need or rape.

<3 p="">

Addictions

Addictions suburban edition: Wine for him, razorblades for her.

One Year Ago

One year ago I felt lost and hopeless. I despaired. Six months ago I decided I could not go on living anymore, convinced I was destroying my family.  I am better today, but I have not yet found the words for all that went on between then and now. For the six days I spent in the hospital. For the days weeks and months of therapy since then. Each time I sit down to write I feel a void, and a blank.  Maybe all that transpired is just not meant to be put into words.  Maybe I just start fresh with where I am now, in the arms of the God of comfort, working my way back to who I am in Him. Maybe eventually that time will have a voice. I don't know.  While I am tempted to delete my blog posts that reveal my struggles, I realize that good or bad, it is part of my story. And so it stays.  And I move forward.

American Dream

I see you living your Facebook Clean

American Dream

So patriotic, happy and free

But I’m living in a prison

in my own head

making sense of what you did to me.

Broken

Last night we talked for a long time. I learned that my depression is the cause of all of this.  I was hurting him without even knowing.  This hit me so hard.  I am broken. I don't want to live a life of hurting people.