Floor

I can't even put one foot in front of the other right now. I can't stand up without the tears flowing. So I'm here in the tiny WC in my bathroom. Door locked. Excuses made to the children. I find calm but each time I think of standing up and opening the door a wave of tears overcomes me. This is pathetic. But this is where I am.

I asked for a divorce.  He agreed, yet we are still in the same house and bed weeks later. I ask him to leave and it breaks my heart. He says no and it breaks my heart.  Friends and family say do this and that. He says no. And so I make no one happy. I have no backbone, and I don't even have enough sense to make my own decisions about all this. About life in general. So here I am. Ashamed and weak. In the bathroom. Blogging from my phone about the fact that I have no idea how I will stand up and walk out of here and face life and people at some point. And what I will do from there.

Today

Today I feel like a grownup for the first time in a long time... or maybe ever.  Today I stop allowing myself to be convinced that I am weak and broken and not in control of my life and destiny.  Today with a lot of prayer and so many people at my side, I am taking ownership of my future and standing up to take responsibility for doing what is right and what is best. I will not be walked on, deceived or manipulated any more. 

Crumble

Standing side by side
We watch each other fall
Like statues aged with grief.
Slowly we carve pieces,
Down to the bone,
Offerings to the courts
Recompense for
irreconcilable differences.
Slow death by divorce,
But we were killing each other
Anyway.

Scars

You touched my scars with yours
Showed me your pain, so like mine
And for a moment I was in your world.
I could have kissed you then
Held your face in my hands,
Roamed around the planes of your skin
Made your world mine.
Oh how I wanted to make you mine
For the moment,
But a moment is all I have to give
And then I'd just be another scar.

From the moment I met you,
I found it my goal to see you smile.
A smile so beautiful through your scars.
I could have kissed you then
Held your face in my hands,
Roamed around the planes of your skin
Made your world mine.
I so ached to make you mine
For the moment,
But a moment is all I have to give,
And then I'd just be another,
Another set of scars.

Free

You are a straight line,
A to Z.
I fly out of fear
in circles,
and you accuse me
of being free...

The Dark

There is a darkness deep in me
Raging down where none can see
I feed it to keep it silently
hidden in my skin

But greedy darkness won't be kept
licks my wounds and wants more yet
Gnawing at me till I let
it grow and stretch and breed.

Children

The weight of decisions
Not yet made
Has trampled the dams
Behind which I have stayed

The tears are all falling
No stopping them now
The hearts that will break
At our mercy somehow

My beautiful creatures
Precious and sweet
Don't deserve this loss
Shouldn't carry such grief

I'll pay for our sins with
My own blood and tears
But I'm frozen in terror
As I've been all these years

I don't know any longer
Which way leads me thru
I don't see any beacon
No way to aim true

The tears are all falling

No stopping them now

The hearts that will break

At our mercy somehow